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July 26 I laughed so much my head came off....
Something that I really enjoy about my family is the fact that most of us share a very sick sense of humour! I guess it’s probably something borne out of necessity really. It’s not something I really want to dwell on too much here - but over the years, there’s been a fair amount of heartache on both my mum and dad’s sides of the family. And I guess laughing in the face of trial and tribulation is simply a coping mechanism? But it’s by no means just during hard times that my lot tend to come out with poor taste gags. No - it’s all the bloody time! One instance that always sticks in the memory was something my brother Al came out with a few years ago, after my mum and dad had decided to go on a cruise holiday. Now cruises, obviously, tend to attract a fairly venerable clientele! And because of this, there are always going to be potential ramifications. Just think about it - 1,000 or so passengers, most of them well into retirement age, all together on a big ship for, say, a couple of weeks. Let’s be blunt - the chances are quite high that someone’s going to snuff it at some point! This, sadly, proved to be the case on the cruise that my folks went on – with one passenger meeting his maker whilst lying on a sun lounger, just a few metres from where my mum and dad happened to be sat at the time. Mum and dad decided that this drama was worthy of a text message home – with my brother Al and me both receiving messages along the lines of “Hi, having a great time, though one of the other passengers just dropped dead right next to where we were sitting!” And Al’s reply was priceless! “Cool!”, he wrote. “See if you can nick the corpse’s watch!” I’m sure this gag would probably horrify a lot of people – but in our little world, it was a pure piece of comedy gold! And in view of Al’s comment, it will come as no surprise to learn that a much-loved film in the parish of Fisher is the 80s comedy ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’. For those of you aren’t familiar with this celluloid masterpiece – well, hang your heads in shame! The story basically concerns Larry and Richard - a pair of young pen-pushers working at an insurance firm in America. The two of them have long idolised the head of the company, Bernie – who lives a lavish playboy lifestyle. Needless to say then, the two of them get very excited indeed when Bernie invites them to stay at his luxury beachfront holiday home for the weekend. Alas though, Larry and Richard arrive at Bernie’s holiday home to discover that Bernie has died! Naturally, they are devastated – though not out of grief over the loss of their boss. No, our heroes are more gutted about the fact that, by dropping dead, Bernie has surely ruined their long-awaited weekend! Suddenly though, an inspired idea flickers across their minds. Why don’t they simply ignore the fact that he’s dead, and carry on with the revelry? What follows is scene after scene of hilarity, involving Bernie’s corpse getting up to all sorts of exploits – including wind-surfing, and even a spot of ‘how’s your father’! The film, frankly, is bloody hilarious. Indeed, love it so much that I actually tried to get it screened once at Broadway – an art house cinema in Nottingham. Broadway, you see, do this thing where you pay them a certain amount of money – I think it’s about £100 – and they’ll put on a screening of any film you want. As part of the deal, you get given 20 tickets so you can invite all your friends – and what’s more, they also have the film open to the public as well! Now my main reason for wanting to go down this route with ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ was simply because I thought it’d be hilarious to see it listed in the Broadway ‘What’s on’ guide amidst all the arty-farty black and white French films that they always seem to show. Alas though, my request was rebuffed – with the folk at Broadway claiming that they were unable to obtain reels for ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’. A likely story..! But though I’m a big fan of ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’, it is a bit of a ‘lost classic’ really. And what I mean when I say that is that it never tends to figure whenever you hear people talking about the funniest films of all time or whatever. This is something that has bugged me for ages. Naturally then, I was delighted a few weeks ago when I was finally presented with a chance to get some belated acclaim for ‘Weekend at Bernie’s! I was reading ‘The Observer’, you see, and happened to notice that they were running a poll to find out readers’ funniest films. Of course, just my vote alone wasn’t going to make much difference! However, I quickly came up with a genius plan… On the social networking website Facebook, there is a ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ appreciation group you can join called ‘Every Weekend is a Weekend at Bernie’s’ – which has several hundred members. As such, I sent them all a message explaining the poll – and imploring them all to email The Observer to vote for ‘Weekend at Bernie’s! After all, surely anyone who likes the film enough to join a Facebook group devoted to it would be more than happy to do their bit for the cause?
Alas though, it wasn’t to be. For after several weeks of religiously rushing out every week to buy the Observer, the paper finally published the results of its poll in last Sunday’s edition. And sadly, ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ did not figure in the top 50!
Maybe The Observer got a flurry of emails in quick succession, all voting for ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’, and smelt a rat! I guess we’ll never know…
One thing’s for sure though, the sorry saga has infinitely increased the amount of respect I have for the chimp-faced warlord George W Bush. After all, rigging a poll is clearly not quite as simple as folk would have you believe..! July 24 It’s a kind of magic…As you will know if you’re a regular visitor to this site, my last two updates on this site have both been about books.
And we may as well make it a hat-trick with this entry – because the last few days have seen me have my nose buried in a hot-of-the-press copy of the new tome about a certain fictional boy wizard.
As with the previous six books, I found ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows’ to be an enjoyable read – and I’m pleased that I managed to plough through all 600-odd pages before the inevitable moment where some spoilsport ruins it for you by telling you what happens.
That said, I wasn’t quite keen enough to actually queue up on Friday night at one of the numerous retailers that were putting the book on sale at midnight!
Plenty of others were though, by all accounts – as has been the case with previous Harry Potter books.
Indeed, the midnight launch of the last Harry Potter book is at the centre of one of my favourite stories about my esteemed elder brother, Al.
On the evening in question, Al happened to be out with some friends in Nottingham city centre, for a Friday night’s boozing and carousing.
And by midnight he was somewhat arseholed!
Imagine the scene then when he and his cohorts wandered down Bridlesmith Gate in search of further refreshment - and were confronted by a large queue of people outside Waterstone’s, some of them specially dressed for the occasion in wizard-type apparel.
It duly dawned on Al and his friends that these people were queuing for the new Harry Potter book. And Al couldn’t resist addressing them…
“Hey guys,” he yelled jovially. “I’ve heard that this is the one where Ron does Hermione up the arse!”
Naturally, there have been few occasions when I’ve been prouder to call Al my sibling!!! July 19 Our aspirations, are wrapped up in books...If I had to list my favourite pastimes, then reading would definitely be quite high on the list.
One of my biggest vices is the fact that I buy far too many books – and I rarely go anywhere without ensuring I’ve got some form of reading material on my person. But though books give me great pleasure, there’s one thing about them that makes me feel quite sad. That is the fact that most people, upon finishing a book, will invariably stick it on their bookshelf – and in all likelihood, that’s probably where it’ll remain forever, never to be read again. It seems such a crying shame – and as such, if there’s a book I’ve particularly enjoyed, I often make a point of passing it onto someone else who I think might enjoy it. So why am I telling you this? Well, my tendency to spread the love, as it were, when it comes to books, has recently led to the birth of a highly amusing project! Enter my good friend Mikey B! Much like myself, Mike is a man who takes great joy in eccentricity and randomness. As such, I recently sent him my copy of ‘Round Ireland With a Fridge’ by Tony Hawks – a book that I read about a year-and-a-half ago and found pant-wettingly funny. Now for those of you who’ve never heard of ‘Round Ireland…’, it’s actually a true story – which all began when Tony Hawks embarked on an evening’s drinking with a friend. Somehow, this ended up with the friend in question betting Hawks £100 that he couldn’t hitch hike round the entire circumference of Ireland – with a fridge! Unbelievably, Hawks accepted the bet – and even more unbelievably, he actually succeeded in his mission! ‘Round Ireland…’, then, is an account of Hawks’ adventure – and I was pleased to discover, a few weeks after sending my copy of the book to Mike, that he had thoroughly enjoyed it too. But that’s not all. Oh no! Shortly after finishing ‘Round Ireland…’, Mike happened to have a conversation with Ruddo - a mutual friend of ours - during which he enthused about the brilliance of the book. And unbelievably, this conversation led to Ruddo laying down a challenge not a million miles away from the one undertaken by Tony Hawks himself! Specifically, Mike has been challenged to send my copy of the book around the world - on an epic voyage in which it must be read by 20 different people in 20 different countries. And all in the space of 12 months! As with Tony Hawks' own bet, £100 is at stake - i.e. if Mike loses the bet, he has to give that amount to charity! If, on the other hand, he wins - well, Ruddo will have to cough up! Mike, I’m pleased to say, accepted the challenge – and immediately enlisted my help! Between the two of us, we quickly compiled a list of all the people we know who either live abroad or are due to spend time abroad in the next year or so… and have been busy contacting them to see if they’d be willing to help Mike win the bet - by taking delivery of the book, reading it quickly, and forwarding it on to the next person! Pleasingly, most people are well up for it – and so things should be getting underway very soon! Mike has even got a website set up which will document the progress of the book on its adventure! You can view this site by clicking here. So far, there’s not much on there. As things get moving though, each person who reads ‘Round Ireland…’ as part of the project will be asked to provide a short review of the book, and also a photo of themselves posing with the book by a notable landmark in the country where they read it! And these shall all be posted on the site! Should all be quite entertaining! I love random stuff like this… It's a dirty story of a dirty man - and his clinging wife, she doesn't understand...As you will know if you’re a regular visitor to this site, I decided to set up the Soft Bulletin last year when I first decided I was definitely going to go off and do some travelling.
After all, having my own website would surely be a useful way to keep folk ‘back home’ up-to-date with what I was doing while I was away?
So upon departing the UK just after Christmas I duly began updating the site diligently, with regular dispatches detailing life ‘on the road’. At first, I couldn’t help but wonder whether anyone was actually reading my efforts.
Happily though, I soon discovered I’d built an avid readership – and since arriving home some six weeks ago, I’ve had loads of people insist that I ought to try and get my online diary published as a book. Naturally, this has all been very flattering – and though I’d never really thought about the possibility of a book until people started to mention it, I decided the other week to email a few publishing houses to see if they might be interested.
Alas though, the chances of my ending up with a Sunday Times Bestseller aren’t looking good if the first response I’ve received is anything to go by!
You can see the ‘Dear John’ email below. I’ve censored any reference to the name of the publishing company – hey, I’m damned if I’m going to give them any free publicity if they’re not going to publish my book! From: "Emma XXXXX" <Emma.XXXXX@XXXXX.co.uk> Dear Rich,
Thank you for your email detailing the book you have written. Unfortunately, we are not accepting unsolicited submissions at the moment. I would recommend contacting a literary agent, who might be able to represent the work.
I wish you the best in finding a publisher, and thank you again for thinking of XXXXX. With kind regards,
Emma XXXXX Editorial Assistant, XXXXX XXXXX Book Group Ltd. XXXXX House, XXXXX Place, WC2E XXXXX T: 020 7 XXXXX F: 020 7 XXXXX July 17 We all know you're soft cos we've all seen you dancing. We all know you're hard cos we've all seen you drinking from noon until noon again...In my previous update, I wrote about the few days I spent last week visiting my friends Marc and Gill, who live up in Greenock in Scotland.
And it was an excellent few days.
One thing I didn’t mention though was the fact that the trip also gave me an opportunity to have a proper mooch around Glasgow.
Now Glasgow is a city that I have visited on a number of occasions in the past. However, my visits have only ever been fleeting ones - which is a shame, as it’s a place I’ve long been really keen to have a proper look at.
My curiosity about Glasgow driven mainly by the fact that one of my favourite bands, Belle and Sebastian, come from the city. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the mighty B&S, they are a band that have been around for the last decade or so. And in much the same way that the Stone Roses’ music conjures up images of Manchester, the kitchen sink dramas played out in B&S’s lyrics have always painted very vivid picture in my head of what life in Glasgow must be like.
Needless to say then, my sightseeing was very much centred around music!
Basically, I arrived in Glasgow on the Tuesday morning with a whole day to kill – because Marc was busy in work, and thus unable to entertain me until the evening.
First things first though, coffee was the immediate priority – as with me having flown up on a 6.50am flight, and having had to get to Nottingham East Midlands Airport via public transport, I’d been up since 3.15am! I’m not much of a ‘morning person’ at the best of times – so this was quite a painful experience!
After getting a caffeine fix though I was ready to explore – and my first port of call saw me go and check out the Barrowlands, a famous Glasgow music venue whose boards have been trodden down the years by pretty much anyone who’s anyone in the world of pop.
Looking back, I’m not quite sure there was much logic in this pilgrimage – I mean, it’s not as if there would be a gig taking place at 9am on a Tuesday morning!
Nevertheless, just standing outside the locked building, you could pretty much breathe in and taste the sweet taste of dirty rock’n’roll!
Which is never a bad thing…
Next stop meanwhile was Parkhead, home of the mighty Celtic Football Club – which I decided to go and have a look at, having seen signposts which suggested it was only a mile or so from the Barrowlands.
In hindsight this was perhaps a tad foolish – as the mile in question involved walking through what must surely be one of the dodgiest parts of Glasgow!
It was just like walking into an Irvine Welsh novel – an ugly ghetto of crumbling tenement buildings covered in graffiti. What’s more, I later discovered that the area in question was the stamping ground some years back of a bloke known as ‘Bible John’, who went around randomly murdering people.
Nice..!
Parkhead however proved to be an impressive stadium. I also had a bit of a mooch round the Celtic club shop, where it was interesting to see various bits of merchandise adorned by Neil Lennon being sold off at bargain basement prices!
Lennon, for those of you who don’t follow footy, was Celtic’s captain up until the end of last season – however, he left the club recently in order to sign for my own team, Nottingham Forest. Goodness knows what possessed him – but hey, I’m not complaining!
Whilst in the shop, I was also surprised to suddenly find myself surrounded by Scousers, after a coachload of rowdy teenagers on a school outing from Liverpool randomly turned up. It was quite amusing to watch the startled expression of the security guard on duty as they all swaggered in. “Hey lads, let’s fookin’ rob the place!”, one of them yelled, as he grabbed a football and started bouncing it around.
I don’t know what it is – but wherever I go in the world, I ALWAYS seem to end up bumping into Scousers!
So what of the rest of Glasgow?
Well pleasingly, it wasn’t all as dodgy as the area around the Barrowlands and Parkhead – in fact, I found it to be a really cool city on the whole.
The city centre is very elegant, and reminded me in certain parts of various other cities - Leeds, Oxford, Manchester and Liverpool to name a few.
I’d say Glasgow is my kind of place really on the whole – in that it’s lively but unpretentious. It also seemed to have more greasy cafes per square mile than any other place on earth - which can only be applauded!
There was also lots of randomness to behold – not least the fact that I stumbled upon a car boot sale taking place in the city centre. I am of the firm belief that car boot sales are among the funniest things in the world – so what’s not to like about a city that has one taking place on a weekday morning?!
In terms of other sights meanwhile, I also went on a walk along the River Clyde, which is where Billy Connolly – one of my heroes – worked in the shipyards before he became a successful comedian.
I went and had a look at Glasgow Green too. This is a fairly bog standard area of parkland – however, it’s a significant place in the history of the Stone Roses, as it was here where the band, in 1990, played their last gig with the classic Ian Brown-John Squire-Mani-Reni line-up.
All in all then, a very enjoyable day – and if you ever get the chance, I’d say that Glasgow is definitely worth a visit! July 16 I think you're the same as me, we see things they'll never see...If I had to write a list of what’s important to me, then ‘friends’ would be somewhere up at the very top of the pile.
However, one thing about my life that frustrates me sometimes is the fact that virtually all of my best mates live bloody miles away from where I live!
I don’t know what it is, but I just seem be really crap at forging proper friendships with anyone who resides within 50 miles of Nottingham! As a consequence of this, I tend to spend a great deal of my weekends flitting here, there and everywhere in the name of trying and keep various friendships alive.
And I must say, the constant to-ing and fro-ing can be quite exhausting. What’s more, the fact that everyone lives so far away does take a lot of the spontaneity out of life. For example, you can’t really just ring people up on a whim and say “Fancy meeting up tonight for a pint?” if they happen to live in far-off places like Malaysia and Northern Ireland!
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining too much. After all, irrespective of where they all live, I’m really lucky to have the brilliant friends that I have.
And having them scattered all over the place isn’t entirely a bad thing. Cash permitting, it means I can go off on little adventures to all sorts of places pretty much whenever I like! My latest such trip involved four days last week up in Greenock in Scotland, visiting my good friends Marc and Gill – and their new baby Adam!
Marc is someone who I used to work with back in the dim and distant days when I was employed by Boots The Chemists. He’s now been living up in Greenock for a couple of years – and it’s always a cool place to visit… not least because it’s right by the sea!
We generally spent the few days of my visit just lazing around Marc and Gill’s house and catching up. Marc’s really into his photography, so he also got me to pose for some photos - which involved me wandering along the beach while he followed me, snapping away.
The idea here is that Marc will hopefully end up with some photos that he can put in his portfolio to show off his talents as a ‘portrait photographer’! And indeed, if he can make me look good, then he’ll surely be inundated with work!
So what else did we get up to? Well, we also went on a bit of a night out into Glasgow, where we saw a band called Cajun Dance Party play at a venue called King Tut’s Wah Wah Hut.
King Tut’s is a tiny venue – and as well as having a brilliant name, it actually played a not insignificant role in shaping British music in the 1990s. For one night in the early 1990s, the venue played host to a band from Manchester, who were just starting out.
Creation Records head honcho Alan McGee happened to be present – and he was so impressed by the nascent Mancs that he offered them a record deal pretty much on the spot. And you will now all know the band in question as Oasis!
Meanwhile, one other amusing tale of my time in Greenock concerns a small gathering on Friday night involving various members of Marc and Gill’s extended family - which saw me play my part in a controversial Trivial Pursuit triumph! With there having been six of us present, you see, we had to come up with some way of dividing into teams – and mentally going through the nationalities of the six people in the room, it suddenly occurred to me that we were split 50/50 between English and Scottish!
So naturally, I couldn’t resist suggesting that a bit of inter-UK rivalry might make for a more spirited contest! The battle lines were duly drawn – and amid the sort of scenes not seen since the battle of Culloden, I’m pleased to report that the English team scored a dramatic victory on away turf!!!
I always knew that knowing Vanilla Ice’s real name would come in handy some day..! July 09 Well I've never seen you dance and I've never heard you sing. So how can it mean a single thing?It hereby gives me great pleasure to tip you all the wink about something pant-wettingly funny I was recently introduced to that's available on the web!
Saying that, whether you'll share my mirth probably depends a lot on how you feel about karaoke... or indeed its modern games console cousin Singstar! If, frankly, you find it about as entertaining as a poke in the eye with a shitty stick, then don't bother reading any further! If you're like me though and you find it endlessly entertaining - well, get yourself to www.singsnap.com I was introduced to Singsnap by my good friends Kev and Becky. Basically, it's a site that enables you to do karaoke without actually having to leave the comfort of your home! There's a huge selection of backing tracks that you can choose to sing along to* - all you need is a decent internet connection, plus a mic to plug into your computer... and you're away! And as if that isn't exciting enough, it gets better! Yes, for when you've finished your song, you can post a recording of your effort on the site - and even a video of you singing it should you wish! Other visitors to the site can then listen to and watch your efforts - and rate you accordingly! What's more, if someone on the other side of the world is logged in at the same time as you and you fancy singing a duet with them - well, you can! Just like at Live Aid back in the day, when they tried to get Phil Collins in Philadelphia to do a duet via satellite with Sting at Wembley! Or whatever it was... Thus far, my dabbling with Singsnap has been purely voyeuristic. Specifically, I just spent about an hour trying not to fall off my chair laughing at various recordings that have been posted on the site. There's one bloke who's posted a recording of himself on the site singing 'Ace of Spades' by Motorhead in the style of Elvis! In a sick sort of way though, I'm definitely tempted to take the plunge and join in the fun properly! I'm kinda feeling the urge to go the whole hog by recording and uploading my own version of 'November Rain' by Guns R Roses - complete with video! Anyone know any conveniently-located deserts that I can stand in the middle of to mime Slash's legendary guitar solo?! Anyway - if any of you fancy having a look at Singsnap... well to be able to access the site, you actually have to be 'invited' to sign up by an existing member! A bit elitist, I know - must be a measure to keep out the riff raff! If any of you are sufficiently intrigued though, just give me a shout and I'll get an invite winging its way to you..! * Though I was saddened to find a lack of tunes by indie legends Half Man Half Biscuit..! July 08 You're too young and I'm too well hung. Cos tonight I'm gonna rock ya, tonight I'm gonna rock ya, tonight I'm gonna rock ya TONIGHT!Well, I've spent pretty much all day today lying on the sofa watching the TV coverage of 'Live Earth' - a series of massive concerts held smilultaneously around the world to try and raise awareness of climate change.
Naturally, the BBC coverage focused mainly on the concert here in the UK, at the new Wembley Stadium And on the whole, I quite enjoyed it.
Okay, so there were a fair few artists performing who you'd rather shit yourself in public than actually have to listen to- at least if you happen to be in any way discerning when it comes to your music!
But along with the James Blunts and Snow Patrols, there were a number of truly great moments - not least a storming set by the mighty Spinal Tap!
Of course, whether the world will now be magically saved from impending meltdown as a result of these shows is debatable.
On a personal level though, it's definitely had me thinking a bit. And as an individual, I like to think that I definitely 'do my bit' towards helping the planet.
For instance, I regularly get from A to B on foot - though admittedly, that is largely out of necessity at the moment, given that I don't have a car!
I also actually cycled to work on one particular day earlier this week. What's more, Ithen cycled straight after work to the sports centre where I play football... rather than getting the bus like I normally do.
So how did the greater powers decide to reward me for this selfless contribution to the cause?
Well, after football, I was cycling home again... when suddenly one of my mountain bike's pedals fell off!
I duly stopped, retrieved the pedal, and tried to re-attach it - though my dismal attempts to do so only saw me cause more damage, with me somehow managing to dislodge the bike's chain from the gear cogs!
In other words, I was left with an unridable bike.... and still a good four miles from home!
And to compound my woe, it was absolutely lashing down with rain. But then you knew that anyway. I mean, what other kind of weather have we had in this country in living memory?
Needless to say, I was not a happy bunny as I started pushing my two-wheeled nemesis in the direction of home.
In fact, I was so pissed off - not to mention cold and wet - that I seriously considered cutting my losses by slinging the bike in the canal, and hailing a taxi!
After all, the damn thing only cost me £20 from a friend of a friend...
So the moral of the tale, kids?
Um, fuck the environment and get the bus instead, obviously..! July 06 I was looking for a job and then I found a job. And heaven knows I'm miserable now...So, it’s now over a month since I returned to Nottingham after my travels – and sad as I am to say it, I think it’s fair to say that the ‘honeymoon period’ of being home is now very much over.
The first few weeks after I got back were brilliant – all I did really was just meander around, catching up with family and friends who I hadn’t seen for ages.
And then I went to Glastonbury! Which, as always, was a lot of fun…
Of course though, reality always bites eventually – the reality in my case having been the fact that I was chronically short of money, and urgently needed to find some sort of work to keep the wolf away from the door. So since Glasto, I’ve been leading an incredibly humdrum existence really, centred around the daily grind of possibly the dullest temping job in the history of temping jobs.
Okay, so it’s probably not quite THAT bad! However, I think I’m finding it so tedious purely due to the fact that I was a bit spoilt during those past periods in my life when I’ve had to work as a temp to earn a crust.
Back in the summer of 1998 for instance, I spent three months temping at a police station situated right in the middle of one of the dodgiest parts of Nottingham. And it was fucking brilliant!
Seriously, every day was like being in the episode of The Bill! Where I’m working though now… well, let’s not beat about the bush.
It is tedious. As. Fuck. Still, when you’re in dire need of cash you sometimes just have to grit your teeth and put up with such drudgery.
And indeed, my precarious financial situation was made even more desperate recently, thanks to the utter incompetence of my former employers, the good ol’ NHS. I of course left my job with them back in 2006 December, in order to go off and travel. However, some buffoon within the organisation cocked up my ‘leaving paperwork’ - which resulted in me being overpaid by around £800 in my final pay packet.
Now you might think this was a bit of a result.
Well, it certainly would’ve been – but inevitably, some bright spark in the accounts department at the NHS picked up on the mistake… and so earlier this year I suddenly found myself besieged with demands to repay the money. Now I’d actually been oblivious to the error – and so by this point, I’d long since spent all the cash.
Hell, I’m a ‘creative type’ – and us creative types aren’t really the sort who pay a huge amount of attention as to what goes in and out of their bank accounts! I duly sent the NHS an email explaining my circumstances, and telling them in the politest possible way to fuck off.
Let’s face it, it was their mistake – and surely it wouldn’t be worth them setting the debt collectors on me for a mere £800? After all, such an amount is surely a drop in the ocean to such a large organisation - and one that, from my experience, is only too happy to piss away disgraceful amounts of taxpayers’ money on things like lavish buffets for board meetings. As if senior executives earning over £100,000 a year can’t afford their own packed lunch!
Alas though, I was wrong – my cheeky email prompted a terse letter insisting that I’d have the bailiffs knocking on my door if I didn’t come to some sort of arrangement to repay the money. So I paid my first instalment towards the debt this week. Needless to say though, I’m not happy – not least because I’ve not even had an apology for the fact that the situation was caused by their own incompetence.
Such is life I suppose… The whole saga has stressed me out quite considerably though. Indeed, at a point last month, it really felt like the world and his dog were trying to get money off me.
As well as the NHS, you see, recent weeks have also seen me squabbling over money with, of all people, Chas and Dave! Confused?
Well once upon a time, June 16 2007 was a day when I was supposed to be getting married. Things of course went spectacularly tits up on that front. Which was a shame really - mainly because my one-time fiancée and I had booked Chas and Dave to play at our evening ‘do’!
Now naturally, I wrote to Chas and Dave’s agent to cancel the booking as soon as it became clear that the wedding was never going to happen. And then promptly forgot all about it. So imagine my surprise then, about a month before June 16, when I got an email from aforesaid agent, telling me that the time to pay the outstanding balance for the booking. “But I wrote to you to cancel!” I screamed indignantly.
“Well we never received your notification,” was the gist of the response this got. “And according to the contract you signed, the notice period for cancellation has now expired - so you are liable to pay the full amount.” Naturally, I was shitting myself at this point, thinking I’d have little choice but to cough up the money… or end up in the surreal situation of facing off against Chas and Dave in court!
Fortunately though I had proof that I’d written to their agent to cancel – and after taking legal advice, I sent him a strongly worded letter pointing this out, and stating that I therefore had no intention of paying. Happily, this did the trick – and with the NHS issue now also resolved, it feels like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Indeed, all I have to worry about now is how I’m going to get through each day in my dull-as-hell temping job without succumbing to insanity! Still, as I keep reminding myself, it’s only for a short while before I commence my attempt to become a primary school teacher in September – something I’ve actually been quite focused on in recent weeks.
First of all, just before Glasto, I spent a few days down in Sussex catching up with my great friend Andrew ‘The Lothario’ Best. Now Andy is a primary school teacher himself – and so as part of my visit, I actually went into his school with him for a couple of days to help out in his classroom.
Having never witnessed Andy teaching before, it was utterly hilarious to watch him in his guise as ‘Mr Best’ – not least because he kept dropping lots of in-jokes into his lessons purely for my benefit! For example, at one point he was stood at the front of the class showing the kids what they needed to do for a piece of creative work - and he asked me if I could kindly pass him a pair of scissors.
“And now I’m going to ask my good friend Mr Fisher to pass me some scissors,” he told the kids. “He’s kind of like the Debbie McGee to my Paul Daniels…” Naturally, this got blank looks from the 20 or so five and six-year-olds – but both Andy and I struggled to keep straight faces!
Some of the things the kids themselves came out with were also priceless. “Mr Fisher, Mr Fisher! I saw Michael Jackson in our local Tesco at the weekend,” one of them yelled at me with great excitement, completely out of the blue!
Meanwhile, as well as spending time in classrooms, I’ve also been busy getting a few other things in place ready for when I start my training course. Most importantly, I’ve managed to confirm which primary school I’ll be doing most of my training in – and pleasingly, it’s the very one that I was hoping to get into.
There’s also been other bits of faffing around – for example, I’m having to be ‘criminal checked’ due to the fact that I’ll be working with children. I’ve also been asked to produce evidence of the fact that I have GSCEs in English, Maths and Science – which is not unreasonable I suppose, given that I’ll be expected to teach all of these subjects to children.
This, however, has been a bit of a problem – as I binned my GCSE certificates years ago during a bit of a clear-out. My rationale for this was the fact that, since school, I’ve gone on to get a degree – and so as long as I have proof of that, why on earth would anyone ever need to see evidence that I’ve got some GCSEs?
This, in hindsight, was a mistake – as I’ve discovered that getting replacement GCSE certificates is not easy! In fact, it’s been such a palaver getting them that I actually think it would have been easier for me to just resit the exams and get the qualifications all over again!
Though my ability to do anything mathematic since I left school has diminished to such a degree that, far from repeating the A grade I got back in 1996, I honestly think there’s a good chance I’d fail if I had to resit my maths GCSE!
Bit worrying really when it’s a subject I’ll be expected to impart mathematical wisdom upon children – but I’m sure I’ll blag my way through somehow..! July 02 I take my car, I drive real far - you're not concerned about the way we are...Right - time to do my bit to help raise awareness of something someone is doing something to raise money for a good cause.
Enter Erik Petersen, an acquaintance of mine here in Nottingham. Now Eric has decided to raise some cash for a charity called MercyCorps, which supports people in countries that are ravaged by poverty and whatnot. However, rather than sitting in a bath full of baked beans for ten hours or something like that, Erik is actually going to be taking part this summer in the Mongolian Rally! For anyone not familiar with this event, it basically involves driving thousands of miles from London all the way to Ulaanbaatar - the capital city of Mongolia. Having been in Mongolia myself last month, I can tell you that it's a bloody long way away - and what's more, getting there overland involves braving some of the worst road conditions on the planet. In view of this, you'd think Erik would be doing the race in a rugged 4x4, right? Wrong! Yes, part of the rules of the Mongolian Rally are that vehicles taking part have to be at least ten years old and with an engine size of no more than one litre! So Erik will be doing the trip in a knackered 1993 Ford Fiesta! I know - the man is a loon! And it gets even better! Most people who enter the Mongolian Rally do so in teams of two. And Erik's partner in crime for his adventure is going to be his dad!!! What's more, the intrepid father and son have improbably managed to get their mitts on some celebrity cash in their efforts so far to get sponsorship! Erik, you see, is a journalist... and through his job, he's gotten to know Hayseed Dixie* pretty well. The band were recently in Nottingham to do a live show - and when Erik met up with them for a drink and told them of his plans to do the rally, they were so impressed that they immediately coughed up £100 to go in his begging bowl! Anyways, I'm sure you'll all agree that this all makes for quite a cool story! Erik, naturally, is keen to raise as much money in sponsorship as possible... and I'm sure he'd also be happy to have his crappy Fiesta branded with company names etc too in return for hard cash! Full details of Erik's mission can be viewed online by clicking here. * Hayseed Dixie, as some of you may know, are a band from America who play contemporary pop songs in a hillbilly bluegrass style! Their version of 'Ace of Spades' by Motorhead is utter genius, and can be viewed on YouTube by clicking here! July 01 Working for the church while your family dies...Well, it's now nearly a week since I got back from Glastonbury- however, I'm STILL very much in the 'Glasto zone'!
At the moment, I rarely seem to go more than an hour without slipping into a warm, hazy reverie where suddenly I'm back at Worthy Farm, watching a band or just generally taking in the madness of it all.
One sad thing about Glasto this year though was the fact that my good friend Stephen 'Zippy' Kearney was unable to make his usual pilgrimage to the festival from his home in Northern Ireland.
Zippy has been a Glasto regular for quite a few years now - and him and his girlfriend Steph always makes for brilliant and entertaining company.
What with giving it a miss this year, Zippy had asked me if I could pick him up a copy of the festival programme and send it to him - which I was naturally more than happy to do.
In the process though, I inadvertently caused a bit of a rumpus in the small village where he lives!
Zippy, you see, recently became a priest! Well... sort of!
I won't repeat the full story here, as it's something I've already written about previously on this site. For those of you who missed the tale first time around though, click here to be redirected to the relevant entry.
Given his new-found priesthood though, it seemed only appropriate to post Zippy's programme in an envelope addressed to 'Father Stephen Kearney'.
On seeing this though, Zippy's postman put two and two together and got five - yes, he interpreted the prefix of 'Father' as being a sign that Zippy and Steph were having a baby!
What's more, Zippy's postman is also one of the village's foremost gossip-spreaders - because within about an hour of him making the delivery, a bemused Zippy had had about five people ring him up to offer their congratulations!
This, needless to say, amused me no end..! |
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