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April 30 We gotta get out of this place!Well, there's been another unexpected twist in the ongoing drama that is my mission to acquire an entry visa for That Certain Country That Shall Remain Nameless, Which I Hope To Visit On My Way Home To The UK.
Indeed, it's starting to look like getting to TCCTSRN,WIHTVOMWHTTUK - the snappy acronym by which I will refer to it from now on - is going to be a bit of a mission!*
Now as regular readers of this blog will recall, I'd hoped to obtain the visa for TCCTSRN,WIHTVOMWHTTUK when I was in Bombay - only to arrive at TCCTSRN,WIHTVOMWHTTUK's embassy there, and have them refuse to accept the paperwork that had been provided for me by my travel agent that I'd been assured was watertight.
This being so, I promptly reshuffled my plans for India.
Specifically, I decided to cut short my time in Bombay in order to head north to Delhi, where there's another embassy for TCCTSRN,WIHTVOMWHTTUK - who I could only hope would be a bit more cooperative.
After a detour to Agra to take in the Taj Mahal, I duly arrived in Delhi last night by train - and first thing this morning, I headed straight for the embassy for TCCTSRN,WIHTVOMWHTTUK.
This turned out to be a bit of a wild goose chase though - as on arrival, I was told by the security guard at the gate that all visa applicants were now required to go to a travel agents' office several miles away.
Cheers guys - would've been nice if you could've actually bothered your arses to mention this on the 'visa information' section your website!
Undeterred though, I flagged down a tuk tuk and was soon at this travel agents' office. Alas though, it had all been a complete waste of time - as I discovered they weren't processing any visas for TCCTSRN,WIHTVOMWHTTUK either today or tomorrow - due to the fact that it's currently a two-day national holiday in TCCTSRN,WIHTVOMWHTTUK!
Again, no mention whatsoever of this on the embassy's website!
Needless to say, I'm not a happy bunny!
But what next?
Well having hoped I could get things moving here today in Delhi with my visa application, I'd thought I'd end up having to spend a few days hanging around here, waiting for it to be processed.
It's obviously turned out though that my goal was a hopelessly optimistic one - and as such, I'm going to go back to my original plan and fly tomorrow from here to Nepal.
Fortunately, TCCTSRN,WIHTVOMWHTTUK also has an embassy in Nepal - so after I land tomorrow, I'll hopefully be able to go there and get my visa processed on Wednesday.
And if they won't play ball - well, I'll probably have to fly straight back to Delhi... and try and get it sorted out here.
I really hope it doesn't come to that though. There's no way I want to have to miss out on the many amazing things that there are to see in Nepal - Mount Everest among other things.
And not only that, I've just about had my fill of India to be honest... so I can't say the idea of having to come back here fills me with all that much joy.
Don't get me wrong, I certainly don't regret coming here. It's without doubt a fascinating place, and it was brilliant to see the Taj Mahal, and also some of the places in Bombay that I've heard my Grandad talk about so many times when reminiscing about his upbringing in India.
And it probably goes without saying that the food here is absolutely incredible. Some of the best curries I've ever had - and usually costing no more than equivalent of about a quid!
Nevertheless, I'm quite happy to be getting out of here.
Now my ability to enjoy India has almost certainly been impaired by the fact that I've had a whole load of stress and uncertainty hanging over me throughout most of my time here, due to my efforts to get my visa for TCCTSRN,WIHTVOMWHTTUK not going according to plan.
But regardless of that, I've just generally found this place to be quite hard work.
Everything here just seems so shambolic and inefficient - and the obsession here with petty rules can be absolutely infuriating.
This morning for instance, when wandering around Delhi - which, incidentally, seems to be a fairly forgettable metropolis of a place - I stumbled upon a park that had a sign outside giving an extensive list of rules and regulations for visitors.
One of my favourites was 'Strictly no carrying of carrier bags'.
I mean, what the fuck?!
But the main reason why I've struggled with India is because of the people. In this uber-PC world that we now live in, I'm going to have to choose my words carefully here - but generally, I've just found the Indian folk really hard to warm to.
From my experience, the majority of them seem to fall into one of two 'types'.
The first 'type', generally, are people who seem to have no warmth about their personality whatsoever - in the worst cases, to the point of being hostile, obstructively unhelpful, or downright rude.
Even at hotels where I've been paying good money to stay, there have been times where I've had staff members act as though I'm a massive inconvenience when I've the temerity to actually ask them for something.
Don't get me wrong, I don't expect 'red carpet treatment' by any means - but I don't take kindly to being talked to like I'm a piece of shit by anyone... let alone staff at a hotel where I'm supposedly a valued guest.
So that's the first 'type'. The second 'type' meanwhile are the people who approach you as you walk down the street, and try to sell stuff to you.
Now this is obviously something that happens in a lot of places, and generally it's something I don't mind. Hell, people are only trying to make a living, something which can obviously be quite hard in poor countries such as India.
And bantering with them can actually be really good fun.
Here in India though, the vast majority of the street peddlers are just a bunch of bullshitting con artists who take things way too far. They just don't know the meaning of "No thank you" - and I've lost count of the amount of times when I've had guys following me down the street for literally as far as 200 metres, getting increasingly aggressive in their attempts to extort money out of me in return for whatever crap they're thrusting in my face.
Do they actually think that this sort of approach works?
Now I'm going to try really hard to remember India for the genuinely great locals that I met - people who showed me generosity of spirit without wanting anything in return. For instance, there was a lovely young family on the train to Delhi yesterday - mum, dad and two young kids - who I got chatting to, who were fantastic people.
And the 'types' I was talking about only apply to the adults. All of the children here that I've encountered have been brilliant.
Wandering around Bombay and Agra, there were loads of occasions when I'd have a big gaggle of kids come up to me, all smiles, wanting nothing more than to say 'Hello', or to exchange handshakes or high-fives.
The boys here all seem to be absolutely obsessed with cricket. When you see a few of them hanging around in a group, more often than not they'll have a knackered old cricket bat in their possession - and so if you shout "Howzat!" to them, or mime a batsman whacking a six, it usually tends to gain an enthusiastic response!
Meanwhile, I also think the fact that I've struggled here in India due to the fact that I haven't encountered many people from western countries.
This is something I hadn't really thought about until a few days ago... but India has actually been the first time on my travel adventure that I've actually had to spend more than a few days without the company of fellow westerners.
Where I started out, in Australia and New Zealand, the people obviously speak the same language... and the cultures are reasonably similar to the culture in the UK.
Now the same obviously can't be said for the places where I went next - Singapore, Vietnam, Cambodia, Malaysia and Thailand. However, for most of my time in those countries, I had the comfort blanket of the company fellow westerners - either friends from 'back home' such as Kate in Vietnam, Charles in Cambodia and Mikey B in Malaysia and Thailand... or fellow travellers that I met and spent time hanging around with.
Oh dear - and to think I'd started to think that I was some sort of international playboy, able to adapt to life in any country.
Just goes to show that if you throw me into an alien culture on my own, I'm actually like a fish out of water.
Lastly, on a lighter note, one final nail in the coffin for India and its place in my affections is the fact that their equivalent of England's Football Association snubbed my request for a trial for the Indian national footy team!
As those of you who are regular readers of this blog may recall, I emailed them back in March to make this request - as with my Grandad having been born in India, I would technically be eligable to play for their national team!
And with their national team currently right near the very bottom of the FIFA rankings, you'd have thought they'd have been willing to take a chance on a wildcard from Nottingham.
But not so, as it turns out...
Still, it's probably as well - as given the national obession here with petty rules, they'd probably demand I showed the ref my passport each time I touched the bloody ball or something equally ridiculous!
* That's if I make it to TCCTSRN,WIHTVOMWHTTUK at all! Indeed, the idea that I might not is starting to feel like a real possibility - and if the worst comes to the worst, it could actually mean that I end up getting stranded in China with no means of getting home! Shall cross that perilous bridge though if or when I get to it!!! April 29 Panic over, party on party on! Cos we're birds of a feather and you can be the fat one!So what of Agra then?
Well it's quite a large city - although nowhere near as big as Bombay.
Nevertheless, as a tourist it's impossible to go anywhere here without being hassled - not only by beggars, but also people trying to sell your anything and everything, from tacky souvenirs through to hard drugs!
Still, I guess it's no more than what you expect when you come to the place where the Taj Mahal happens to be.
And to be fair, if you head away from the main 'touristy' areas of the city, it's actually much more laid back. It's a great place to just wander around aimlessly - with loads of narrow streets full of sights, sounds and, thanks to the open drains, smells!
It reminds me a bit of Hanoi in Vietnam - only with the added chaos of untethered bulls and goats freely roaming the streets, and monkeys perching on the rooves of every other building.
The levels of poverty here are certainly not as shocking as Bombay, but it's still evident. Walking back to my hotel in the dark last night, I tripped over what I initially thought was a pile of dirty rags on the pavement - only it turned it was actually a person crashing out for the night. A truly sad sight.
On a lighter note however, I also managed to gatecrash an Indian wedding!
It all happened when I heard some raucous brass band-style music blaring from a short distance away. On going to investigate, I discovered a massive procession of people in garish outfits slowly working its way down one of the main streets - with the main focal point a carnival queen-style float on which a beaming couple were sat.
There were loads of people dancing round the float to the music. It really was quite a spectacle - and seeing me watching, one of the blokes dancing came over and invited me to join in!
Well, it seemed rude not to ! And just as I started busting a few moves, a photographer suddenly appeared and started taking loads of pictures!
I can just picture the bride and groom when they get their wedding photos back - "Darling, who the hell is that scruffy English bloke in the faded Stone Roses T-shirt?"!
But anyway, enough of Agra in general - what you really want to know is how the Taj Mahal was... right?
First of all though, a bit of a history lesson - because though you all know what the Taj Mahal looks like, how many of you know the whys and wherefores as to why it was built?
Well it all happened way back in the 16th century. Back then, India had an emporer called Shah Jahan. He was a man who had numerous wives - though one particular wife was by far and away his favourite... and needless to say, he was completely devastated she suddenly passed away at a relatively young age.
He duly assembled an army of 20,000 builders to create the Taj Mahal - purely to show the world how much he'd loved this woman.
So there you go! Those of you who've never done anything more than buy a crappy bouquet from the petrol station to show your ladies how much you think of them - bet you feel a bit rubbish now, don't you?!
As for my visit to this monument of love - well, I actually got up ridiculously early this morning, in the hope that I'd be able to find a good spot in the grounds from which to watch the sunrise.
Now with it having no street lighting, Agra is actually quite a sinister place in the early morning gloom, with lots of dodgy looking characters lurking in the shadows. There were also numerous packs of stray dogs wandering around - and I couldn't help speculating that they could probably rip me to shreds if they were all to gang up on me!
Fortunately though, I arrived at the entrance to the grounds of the Taj Mahal unscathed - though it was still not due to open for another half-hour... and with it rapidly starting to get light, it looked like sunrise would've been and gone by the time I got in.
Bugger.
Happily though, an alternative option quickly presented itself - as whilst waiting outside the entrance, I got talking to a local guy who, as it turned out, works for the private gardens that back directly onto the Taj Mahal.
And for less than half the price it would've cost to gain entrance to see the Taj Mahal 'officially', he invited me to go and watch the sunrise from the gardens.
He wasn't pushy at all - one of the first people I've met in India who's been trying to sell me something who hasn't been. As such, it was a deal - and he duly spent nearly an hour walking me round the gardens, taking me to numerous locations that all offered amazing views of one of the world's most famous buildings.
Needless to say, the sunrise was utterly spectacular - and with there being no-one else in the gardens, it was also very peaceful.
The gardens themselves were ace too - very ornate, and with lots of green parrots and squirrels in the trees!
All in all then an amazing experience - so much so that I decided afterwards not to bother going in to see the Taj Mahal 'officially'. Having felt like I'd had it all to myself for the best part of an hour, it was only going to be a letdown having to share it with swarms of other tourists whilst getting hassled by the ubiquitous tat-sellers.
Instead, I headed off to have a look at Agra Fort, which is... well, a giant fort! Quite impressive, but not really much else you can say really.
And now, this afternoon, I shall be off to Delhi via train - where hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to get my visa sorted out for That Certain Country That Shall Remain Nameless, Which I Hope To Visit On My Way Home To The UK.
Fingers crossed..! April 28 Relax, turn off your mind and float down stream...Well, so much for getting the train to Delhi! I'm quickly coming to the conclusion that actually getting anything done here in India is a complete nightmare.
Now I'd sussed out that the Bombay-to-Delhi train left at 11.30am from a rail terminus called Bandra - which, according to my map, was six stops up one of the main city lines from Bombay's Central Station.
And Central Station is only about five minutes' walk from the YMCA where I'd been staying. So, I thought to myself, this is all hopefully going to be fairly straightforward.
Famous last words..!
Arriving at Central Station at 9.30am, it quickly became apparent that, just to be able to buy a ticket for a train, it helps enormously if you have extensive experience as a rugby scrum-half.
There is no concept of queues here whatsoever. It's simply a case of every man for himself, and barging others out of the way if you want to stand any chance of getting to any of the vending windows.
And as for actually getting on the train - well again, this was a real eye-opener.
With it being so hot here in India, none of the standard class train carriages here have any doors. And with the rail service in Bombay clearly being inadequate for the sheer amount of people who live in the city, the trains are always absolutely rammed.
So when a train arrives, in order to stand any chance of getting on it, you actually have to make a running leap from the platform at one of the doorways - whilst the train is still moving!
Despite being laden with my backpack weighing nearly 20 kilos, I somehow managed this when the train for Bandra finally showed up.
But only just!
For the duration of the journey I was, along with about half a dozen other people, 'half-in, half-out'... clinging perilously to the side of the doorway as the delapidated train pulled away from the station.
Quite an exhilarting excperience and a good way to cool down with the breeze rushing through your hair. Nevertheless, I was pretty relieved when we finally arrived at Bandra - although somewhat less happy when I discovered that getting to the long-distance terminus involved walking for nearly a mile in the baking heat.
In spite of this though, I still arrived in plenty of time for the 11.30am departure - and eventually managed to fight my way to one of the ticket windows.
Alas though, this was to no avail. In India, you see, the idea of simply going to a ticket window and paying for a train ticket would be far too simple!
Instead, you first have to fill out a form that demands virtually every piece of personal information about yourself bar your shoe size, then queue up and present it at a 'Reservation counter', where you'll then be told if there are any places available on your preferred train.
And only then, when you've been through this whole rigmorale, can you go back to the ticket window and buy your ticket.
I know - fucking ridiculous!
Oh well, you just have to go with these things, I thought... and there was still plenty of time for the departure of the Delhi train when I finally fought my way to the reservation counter. Where I was duly told... yes, that the Delhi train was full!
Now this was a bit of a blow to say the least. What made it even worse though was how incredibly rude the bloke behind the counter was. Anyone would've thought he'd just caught me shitting in one of his best brogues, the way he spoke to me. And he also did the whole 'pretending not to be able to speak English' thing - which I thought only French people did!
A further blow came with the discovery that the next train to Delhi wouldn't get there until the following evening. This was no real use to me, as the whole point in me wanting to hotfoot to Delhi was to go to an embassy for a particular country that I'm hoping to go to next month, in order to hopefully sort out the visa required for my visit there to be possible.
By the following evening though, the embassy in question would've closed for the weekend.
As such, I had little choice but to head back to Central Station, tail well and truly between my legs. This time, I actually managed to get all the way into the carriage of the train - but again, it was absolutely rammed... and it was quite a claustrophobic experience. It was worse than any mosh pit that I've ever been in - and what's more, it felt quite intimidating being seemingly the only white person on board.
I was literally dripping with sweat when I got off, and decided immediately to try and find out if there were any buses going to Delhi that would get me there in time to be able to go to the embassy the following day.
Again though, it was no go - with even the quickest buses not arriving until mid-evening.
Naturally, I was pretty pissed off by this point. Some people say that these sorts of challenges are what travelling is all about, and that you should embrace them.
I'm inclined to disagree though. For this was just shite!
At this stage, the obvious thing to have done would perhaps have been to just stay in Bombay for a few more days, do some more 'Grandad stuff', and then travel to Delhi over the weekend in time to be at the embassy for first-thing on the Monday. However, I wanted to feel like I was making SOME progress.
As such, I decided that rather than Delhi, I'd head to Agra. This would mean I could go and have a look at the Taj Mahal over the weekend. Then, with Agra being only a few hours from Delhi, I could head for Delhi from there... and hopefully get there in plenty of time for Monday morning.
I duly went on a trek round some of the tour companies that run buses. At one, I saw a poster advertising something called the 'Boobie Bus' - and when I asked what this actually was, it transpired that it's basically a bus that runs from Bombay to Goa to enable Indian men to gawp at western women sunbathing topless!
Unbelievable!
Of course, if we had to be honest, I don't think any of us blokes could deny ever having made the odd sly glance when we've been on the beach and noticed a cute girl taking off her bikini top.
But the idea of going on an eight hour bus journey to see such sights - I mean, fucking hell!!!
As it turned out, getting to Agra would involve two overnight buses - one to a town called Udaipur, and then another one from there to Agra. This was fine by me - though I had a five-hour wait before the 5.30pm departure of the first bus.
Now Bombay is a huge place and there are plenty of things you can do there to kill five hours. However, when it's absolutely boiling and you're lugging 20 kilos of backpack around with you, you're kind of limited in how far you can wander.
In somewhere like Sydney, this wouldn't be a problem - you'd just find a nice park and sit there reading.
In Bombay though, you'd get nothing but hassle off the beggars. So what to do?
Well first of all I went for lunch at an excellent curry house, and managed to spin that out as long as possible. But even after that, there was still three hours to kill.
In the end, I managed to find a Starbucks-style coffee house in one of the shopping centres, and sat it out there. The hot chocolates that I drank in there were costing about 20 times what I'd paid earlier for a cup of freshly squeezed lime juice off a street vendor, but I didn't care. I just wanted a bit of peace and quiet to feel sorry for myself.
Finally, the time came to get the bus, which saw me try and fail to stop a porter from grabbing my bag off me and loading it into the luggage compartment - with the guy then insisting on me paying him 20 rupees for a service I didn't even want!
The bus itself had seats on one side and then 'sleeper' compartments on the other. It felt like being on a rock band's tour bus!
When I'd booked my ticket though, no-one had actually told me about the fact that there were 'sleepers'... so I was in the seats.
Still, it quickly became apparent that it was the sort of journey where you'd get very little sleep regardless of where you were on the bus - as the roads were incredibly bumpy... and approximately every 30 minutes, you'd get a huge commotion as the bus stopped in order for some some people to get off and others to get on.
Indeed, I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that most Indian men have no idea how to communicate verbally other than by shouting at each other!
Still, at least this journey must've enabled Rich to see some of the Indian countryside, you're probably thinking... right?
Wrong!
Yes, presumably through having been designed for long overnight trips, the bus actually had no windows!
Now not being able to see where we were going did make me feel incredibly paranoid. When on a bus journey, I like to at least see road signs so I know I'm heading to the right place.
On this bus though - well, we could've been on the way to Pakistan for all I knew!
With all of my fellow passengers being locals and none of them seemingly speaking any English, it made for an incredibly monotonous trip - though given the lack of windows, we could've been passing entire prides of lions sat by the side of the road for all I knew!
The only thing of amusement really was the fact that, after nightfall, some of the other passengers who had seat tickets decided to sleep by lying down in the aisle!
This was quite funny when the driver stopped at a service station - as to get off the bus, you had to step over numerous prostrate bodies on the floor! It was a bit like the 'morning after' when you've had a party at your house, and there are still various casualties passed out here, there and everywhere!
Eventually the bus rolled into Udaipur around lunchtime the following day. Our arrival was hours after schedule - however, I'm fast learning that nothing really runs on time in this country!
The late arrival did mean though that I'd long missed the bus I'd been hoping to get to Agra - and now had a four-hour wait for the next one. Udaipur however looked like a pretty cool little town, so I decided to kill a bit of the time by persuading one of the local 'tuk tuk' drivers to show me round a few of the local sights for a few hundred rupees.
It quickly became obvious though that there'd been a bit of a language breakdown - with Mr Tuk Tuk presumably having thought I'd asked him "Hey, can you take me to all your mates' shops, so they can try and sell me some really tacky souvenirs at ridiculously inflated prices... and earn you a nice bit of commission in the process?"
After a long bus journey, this was precisely the last thing I wanted - though thankfully, after a few strong words, Mr Tuk Tuk did eventually take me to some really cool places, including a really beautiful lake and some ornate gardens, before dropping me back at the bus station in time for the overnight bus to Agra.
Now this bus was an absolute shitheap! "There's no way this'll make it to Agra!" I thought. As it turned out though, this journey proved to be a much better experience.
This time, I'd made a point of booking a sleeper berth. Thouh unlike the bus from Bombay to Udaipur, the sleeper berths on this bus had no curtains - and thus afforded absolutely no privacy.
Still, my bunk was actually quite comfortable - and what's more, there was actually a window that I could look through as we hammered along the bumpy roads. And some of the sights were pretty cool. To name just a few, we passed through a really remote village where most of the houses seemed to be mud huts, and where there's clearly no running water - as there were a crowd of people filling all sorts of containers from a communal pump.
I also spotted some wild pigs snuffling around in a pile of garbage, and loads of monkeys!
It was fascinating too to gain an insight into what life is like on the highways of India. Most of the roads we travelled down only had one lane going in either direction - and for most Indian motorists, the favoured tactic for overtaking seems to be to drive as closely as humanely possible to their back bumper of the vehicle in front, whilst furiously 'giving them the horn' (so to speak!)
At one point we actually overtook a cart being pulled by a camel!
So all of a sudden, I was feeling much more positive about India again. It's certainly been an 'up and down' place for me so far.
The only real snag with the bus was that it had no air-conditioning... so at times it got incredibly hot. When it got unbearable though, there was simple solution - yes, just sticking your head out of the window!
Now I've always thought that one of the greatest simple pleasures in life is the sight of a car driving along with a dog sticking its head out of the window.
And I can now see why they do it!
As night set in meanwhile, the darkness meant that there was suddenly not a lot to see - and so I duly got my iPod out for means of entertainment and settled upon the Beatles' seminal 'Let It Be' album. This gained a great deal of interest from a bloke in a turban who was occupying the sleeper berth opposite mine... who wanted to know what I was listening to.
I duly told him - and unbelievably, he'd never heard of the Fab Four!!!
Still, we continued chatting - and it all got quite amusing when Turban Dude started challenging as to the extensiveness of what music I have on my iPod. "I bet you don't have any Indian music on there," he said, looking all smug... having presumably decided that there was no way I would have.
Now I was about to confirm that indeed I haven't - but recalling the fact that this guy hadn't heard of the Beatles, a wicked idea suddenly flashed through my head.
"Actually," I said, "I have got some Indian music. Want to hear it?"
Turban Dude nodded enthusiastically, so I passed him my headphones and proceeded to play him three Beatles songs from when they were going through their 'Maharishi' phase and using loads of sitars - 'Within You, Without You', 'Love You To', and 'Tomorrow Never Knows'. And hilariously oblivious to the obvious Scouse accents, Turban Dude was instantly loving it!
"This is good! This is good!" he enthuised. "What is the name of the singer?"
Now I had to think of something very quickly here to avoid being rumbled - but fortunately, I was on top-form!
"The singer's called Sanjay Nijran," I explained, without skipping a beat. "He's making real waves on the Delhi scene at the moment - I can't believe you haven't heard of him!"
Now some of you may know that Sanjay Nijran is actually the name of a guy I used to go to school with - who, far from being the next-big-thing on the Indian music scene, is actually now working in London as a lawyer!
Still, Turban Dude bought my story hook, line and sinker - and when 'Tomorrow Never Knows' faded out, he demanded to know if I had any more of Sanjay's incredible music that he could hear!
Now I couldn't think of any more Beatles songs with enough of an Asian feel to them. But by now, I figured I could pretty much get away with anything... so I decided it was time to REALLY take the piss.
Yes, I delved in my iPod playlist called '1990s Guilty Pleasures'... and subjected Turban Dude to the horrors of 'Tattva' by Kula Shaker!
"This is the only other song by Sanjay that I have," I explained. "It's one of his earlier records, from before he started to get into his stride musically!"
Incredibly, 'Tattva' turned out to be Turban Dude's favourite out of all the songs I'd played to him. The poor bloke - he'll probably be going into his local record shop on Monday in search of Sanjay Nijran's back catalogue!
Mind you, anyone who essentially thinks Kula Shaker are better than the Beatles is probably not deserving of any sympathy...
So, an amusing end to the day... and after a surprisingly good night's sleep in my bunk, we arrived in Agra late in the morning. As with the bus from Bombay to Udapur, we were hours late again. Still, I'm getting used to this sort of thing!
There was actually a bit of drama when we arrived in Agra, with the bus getting stuck under a bridge, due to the fact that numerous items of luggage had been strapped to the roof! Fortunately, it only took the driver and a couple of other people a few minutes to rearrange the bags on the roof to give us sufficient clearance. But throughout that time, we were blocking one of the main roads through the city - so you can imagine the commotion!
After finally getting off the bus, I managed to find a room in a cheap hotel for equivalent of about three quid a night - and my plan is to stay there tonight and then head for the Taj Mahal at the crack of dawn tomorrow in order to watch the sunrise.
Hilariously, the hotel where I'm staying is actually called 'Hotel STD'.
Gonorrhoea on room service - it's just like being back in Bangkok..! April 26 I bought you drinks I bought you flowers I read you books and talked for hours. But every day so many drinks such pretty flowers so tell me what have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?Okay... so maybe everything had just been going a little bit TOO well.
Indeed, since I left the UK to begin my travel adventure, there have been times when I've almost wondered whether I've got some sort of guardian angel looking out for me.
Despite lots of situations when there was potential for things to go horribly wrong, nothing really has. And there have also been times when I've skipped away unharmed from scenarios that could potentially have been highly dangerous - bumping into wild sharks at the bottom of the ocean in Australia, motorbike accidents in Vietnam, getting lost in the jungle in Malaysia...
Alas though, it appears my luck is starting to change. And it's all down to bloody red tape.
To some of you who are seasoned travellers, this may be equivalent to telling your Grandma how to suck eggs. But gaining entry to some countries isn't always as straightforward as simply turning up.
With some places, you have to pay for a visa - which is basically a little document that gets stuck in your passport, and essentially gives you the right to cross the border.
Now some countries are ridiculously relaxed about this whole visa situation. In Cambodia, for example, you simply buy it at the border when you arrive.
Other places however demand that you obtain your visa in advance. With Vietnam for example, I got my visa when I was in New Zealand, from the Vietnamese embassy in Wellington. Happily, it was a painless process - I simply turned up, filled out a form, and left them some cash and my passport. Then, when I went back a few days later, my passport was ready to collect - complete with visa.
Embassies for some countries however seem to get some kind of perverse kick out of making it as difficult as possible for you to get your visa. It seems they don't actually want their flagging economies to be boosted by tourists coming to visit.
The Indian embassy in Malaysia, for instance, were a royal pain in the arse.
They have got nothing though on a particular embassy here in Bombay - representing a certain country which shall remain nameless, which I'm hoping to visit as part of my journey home to the UK next month.
The embassy in question demands that you present them with a 'travel voucher' in order for them to process your visa - something which I'd been provided with in PDF format by the company that I booked my trip with.
I duly printed it out and went along to the embassy yesterday. However, after queuing up for nearly two hours, I was turned away - because they said they could only accept the 'original' version of the document... and not what was effectively a print-out of an electronic scan.
Naturally, I've since been in touch with the travel company that I booked with... and they are flabbergasted. They say they've never known of any embassy for this particular country to turn down a visa application on such grounds.
So what happens now?
Well today, I've decided to cut my stay in Bombay short in order to make a 17-hour train journey to Delhi, where there's another embassy for this certain country that I'm hoping to visit. Naturally, I'm paranoid as hell now that I'm going to get the same response.
If I do, all is not lost - as there's another embassy I can try in the next country on my itinerray... Nepal. However, that really is the last chance saloon. If both Delhi and Nepal won't play ball, them I'm completely fucked - as not having this visa will mean I can't actually use my ticket home, and thus I'll be stranded in Asia!!!
So guys, would appreciate it if yoy could all keep your fingers crossed for me over the next few days!
On a brighter note meanwhile, I have also got something positive to report - namely, that I was sucessful in tracking down some of my Grandad's old haunts here in Bombay.
First and foremost, I spent a very pleasant afternoon the other day walking round an area called Colaba, where Grandad used to live. Not sure what Grandad would make of the place though if he could see it now, as it's now very much one of Bombay's main tourist honeypots - with the streets lined with loads of market stalls selling Bob Marley posters and all sorts of other cliched tat.
I actually found the street in Colaba where Grandad used to live - Garden Road. The building Grandad lived in was called Kali Lodge, although sadly it doesn't seem to be there any more - or at least if it is, it no longer has the same name.
Mind you, we are talking about 60 years ago!
Just up the road from Colaba meanwhile is the Gateway to India, a massive archway right by the main Bombay docks - which Grandad often talks about wistfully as being the last thing he saw of India as he left to sail for England.
I decided to follow in Grandad's footsteps by taking a cruise round the harbour, on a boat which departed from the very same point that Grandad's boat probably set off from.
It was a strange experience - although it was sadly spoilt by yet more petty Indian officiousness when I got my camera out and started taking some snaps of the view from the boat.
Yes, taking photos of the harbour is strictly banned by orders the Indian navy.
You can't help feeling that this is a ridiculously paranoid country. I mean, the fact that the Government here spends equivalent of billions of pounds developing missiles when half of its people are starving to death on the streets says it all.
Sadly, this is as far as my Patrick Noel Franklin Gabb nostalgia tour is going to get, what with me now having an urgent need to get my arse to Delhi ASAP. Shame, as I was really hoping to go and pay a visit to Grandad's old school, and also go to one of the local cemeteries to track down gravestones of some of my ancestors - which are apparently still visible.
Maybe another time... April 25 I'm just another tourist, checking out the slums...So, first impressions of Bombay then?
Well as expected, it's an absolutely gigantic city. But in some ways, the place is quite significantly different to how I thought it would be.
For starters, although it is largely a concrete jungle, there is actually quite a lot of greenery here - with numerous areas of open space and parklands.
And while Bombay's never likely to be up there with Prague or Sydney as being one of the world's most beautiful cities, there are actually some areas that are quite pretty - particularly the areas by the sea.
There are actually several beaches here too - and again, although I knew full well that Bombay is a major port, golden sands had never featured in the picture of the city I'd painted in my head.
Meanwhile, the general feel of the place isn't quite how I'd thought it would be either. I'd expected the streets to be completely crazy - a constant ebbing and flowing sea of humanity.
It was something I was dreading to be honest, as I thought I'd find it all a bit overwhelming. Yet while there's a lot of hustle and bustle, it's nowhere near as bad as I'd thought.
Bombay's also an incredibly colourful place, what with most of the women walking round in brightly coloured saris. A lot of the men wear traditional robes and turbans, and there are ornate temples everywhere for the numerous faiths practiced in India. A lot of the temples are decorated with images of the God fella who's got an elephant's head; while there are others I've seen that are emblazoned with the Swastika... which actually has its origins as an ancient Hebrew symbol long before it was appropriated by the Nazis.
Each day, the city starts to come to life at about 6am. From that point onwards, it's an incredibly noisy place, with a constant din of traffic.
The beginning of the day also sees a raucous 'dawn chorus' from the birds. These are mainly huge crows, although you also see quite a few birds of prey circling in the skies.
In fact, not far from where I'm staying is a place called the Tower of Silence, which is where the local people who follow the Parsi religion lay their dead to rest. Rather than the bodies being buried or cremated though, they are simply flung into the tower - where their flesh is promptly devoured by the local vultures!
Nice..!
The streets here generally feel like they're in a timewarp, with most of the vehicles appearing to be at least 30 years old. Most of the cars seem to be taxis - and with them being black and yellow, it looks kind of like a swarm of bees when a load of them come buzzing down the street all at the same time!
The 'bees' have to compete for space on the busy roads with people travelling on wooden carts pulled by massive buffaloes... which is pretty cool!
Just walking around Bombay - which I've been doing a lot of - is fascinating. Despite India being a former British colony, it's easily the least 'westernised' place that I've visited so far on my trip. And from the millions of mangy stray dogs to kids playing cricket in the street, there's always something to look at.
There's lots of randomness to soak in too. Yesterday for instance, I stumbled upon a bloke in the street with a performing monkey!
"You want to see monkey fight?" the guy duly asked me - and when I replied in the affirmative, the monkey grabbed a stick and started beating the bloke over the head with it until he lay down on the ground in 'surrender'!
At the street markets meanwhile - which are EVERYWHERE - the stallholders' favourite way of trying to get your attention seems to be by making a kissing sound with the lips!
Or maybe they all just fancy me?!
There's certainly not a lot of white people around - and I've been getting quite a lot of people staring at me as I've been wandering around.
I must say, I'm not really warming to the Indian people to be honest - certainly not in the same way to I took to the people of Cambodia and Thailand.
For starters, a lot of them seem to be incredibly officious and petty, and obsessed with imposing ridiculous rules and regulations. For example, I'm sat in an internet cafe right now - and in order to come in and use a computer, they actually demanded to see my passport!
I also had to sign a document to say that I wouldn't use their internet to aid any terrorist activities. I mean, for goodness sake..!
Generally, I've also found the people here quite sombre and cold. At the YMCA for instance where I'm staying, most of the other guests are locals - and at dinner, everyone just sits eating their dinner in complete silence!
Mind you, there probably is good reason why the Indian people are like they are - as life here certainly isn't easy for a lot of them.
As I mentioned in a previous update, the majority of Bombay's 20 million population live in slums - some of which I've now seen with my own eyes. And the conditions are truly shocking, with huge families crammed into flimsy shelters cobbled together out of cardboard and whatever other 'building materials' they could scavenge.
And they're the lucky ones I guess - as a lot of people have no roof over their head at all. Everywhere you go throughout the whole city, you see thousands of people sleeping on the street - a lot of them filthy, painfully thin, and wearing nothing more than rags.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't deliberately been and sought out the slums to go and rubberneck at the poor people. Far from it - sadly, I just keep stumbling upon them because they are literally everywhere.
As far as I can gather, a lot of the people who live in the slum areas seem to spend their days rummaging through the rat-infested piles of rubbish that seem to accumulate everywhere, presumably in the vain hope that they might find something of some kind of value.
Such desperate sights are truly depressing, and make Bombay a challenging place to be when you're from a comparatively rich country. Now I'm hardly lording it up while I'm in here - but even so, it's hard not to feel guilty when you're walking around with about fifty quid's worth of rupees in your pocket, knowing that it's probably more money than most of the slum people will see in their entire lifetime.
The worst thing is is that you feel so powerless. Yes, I could easily throw a few rupees to some of the people who need it most, enough to buy themselves a decent meal.
But it just feels futile - as you know that they'll still be back in the same situation tomorrow.
That said, there's a lot to be said for the theory that it's sometimes the people with the least that have the most. Walking through one slum area, I saw a group of kids sat in a circle playing 'drums' - only their instruments were actually cardboard boxes and sticks.
They looked happy as pigs in shit - and who knows, they probably are. Indeed, if you've lived in a slum all your life, would you have any concept of the possibility of life being any different?
Needless to say, there are a lot of beggars here. And the worst thing is is that a lot of them are of the devious variety.
For instance, one girl came up to me and was like "Hello sir, I don't want money... but could you come with me to the shop across the road and buy some milk for my baby?"
I was like "Okay" - after all, it'd probably only cost me equivalent of about 10p.
However, on arrival at the shop, it turned out I'd been sized up as a good potential victim of a well-drilled scam cooked up between this girl and the shopkeeper. For the latter already had the milk lined-up ready on the counter when we walked in - and far from being a pint of Cow and Gate, it was actually a tin of powdered stuff big enough to sink a battleship! What's more, I was expected to pay equivalent of about ten quid for this - a blatantly ridiculous amount!
In fact, when curiosity led me to visit another shop and find out the actual price for the same size of tin, I discovered that I'd been asked for FOUR TIMES the proper price.
This kind of thing is annoying, as it makes you incredibly wary of absolutely everyone. For all I know, some of the many folj who have tried to approach me in the street only for me to ignore them keep walking may have actually just been cool people, wanting to know what an English guy is doing in their city.
It's not just slums though here. It's evident that there's actually quite a lot of wealth here too, what with Bombay being home to the 'Bollywood set', and also the Indian stock exchange.
I can't imagine though that there's any place in the world though where there's such a huge gap between the 'haves' and the 'have nots'... April 24 Young men! There's no need to feel down...So, my last update saw me whinging about the woes of being stuck at an airport for ages - after I'd had my flight from Singapore to Bombay severely delayed.
Jet Airways - the Indian airline that I was flying with - were certainly not in my good books. And as I sat bored in the departure lounge, I began thinking that I should've known better than to book with them.
I mean, what kind of carrier names themselves after a crap song by Wings?
Remarkably though, the airline quickly managed to reedeem themselves when I finally managed to get on the plane. For the next five hours proved to be the best flight I've ever been on!
For starters, the vegetable curry they provided was not only the best in-flight meal I've ever had... but one of the best meals I've ever had full stop!
Seriously, it was that good. It even came with a little tub of lime pickle!
What's more, the flight was approximately two-thirds empty. This meant that the cabin crew were able to get from one end of the plane to the other with the drinks trolley three times quicker than usual - and so I was getting offered a red wine refill literally every ten minutes or so.
With the booze being free, it seemed rude to say no - and less than two hours after taking off, I was hammered!
With three hours still to go to Bombay, I was in danger of entering Peter Buck territory*... so sleep seemed like a sensible idea. And brilliantly the emptiness of the plane not only meant I could lie across a whole row, I was also able to grab stacks of cushions and blankets from the empty seats around me and construct a luxury Bedouin-style crash pad!
So, full marks to Jet Airways really!
So what of India then so far?
Well after going through immigration and whatnot, it quickly became apparent that this is a country where people are going to try and rip me off left, right and centre!
Immediately upon stepping out of the airport terminal building, I was pounced upon by dozens of taxi and hotel touts, all agressively trying to scam me into paying ridiculous amounts of rupees for their services.
Fortunately I wasn't born yesterday - and having done my homework on what to do on arrival in Bombay, I was soon speeding into town in a taxi at the correct price.
It was about midnight by this point, and I hadn't actually gotten any accomodation booked - so I decided to get my cabbie to take me to the YMCA, having decided it'd be kinda funny to stay there!
The hour was late - but as a good Christian organisation, surely they'd be able to provide a bed for the night a wholesome character like myself?!
Happily, it turned out that they had loads of rooms available - though it's amazing how warped your idea of expensiveness becomes when you've been in Asia for a while.
I discovered, you see, that the a price of a room for the night at the YMCA was 710 rupees - equivalent of just under a tenner.
Now by UK standards, that's obviously cheap as chips. In fact, I'm pretty sure there's no way whatsoever you'd ever get a bed for the night anywhere 'back home' for such a pittance.
However, having become accustomed to paying equivalent of about two quid a night in places like Cambodia, I found myself thinking "Hmm, 710 rupees... that's a bit pricey!"
I quickly changed my tune though when the dude on reception told me what I'd be getting for my money. Yes, the price of the room included both dinner and breakfast - both of which would be all-you-can-eat buffets of traditional Indian food.
Yes, curry for breakfast!
It was like "Okay, where do I sign?"!
What's more, on being shown to my room, I also discovered that I had the luxury of cable TV, with literally hundreds of channels - which I later discovered included loads of music channels dominated by hardcore banghra!
There's also quite a few channels that show Bollywood films, which are always good for a laugh - particularly the obligatory scene with hilariously bad lip-synching featuring the lead male cheesily serenading the lead female!
My room also has also has a pile of amusing Christian pamphlets - so all in all, the YMCA is looking like it's going to be quite an entertaining base for my stay here in Bombay.
But what am I actually planning to do while I'm here?
Well India is a place that's fascinated me for as long as I can remember - and as some of you will know, that's largely because my Grandad was born here back in the days when it was a British colony.
Grandad lived in the Bombay area for some 20 years. He then left to come to England to study at university - and after meeting and marrying my Gran, has remained in England ever since.
Now growing up, Grandad's tales of what life was like in India would always fascinate me. I used to love hearing about how he used to go scrumping mangoes, or about the time when he came face-to-face with a massive cobra - and managed to kill it just before it struck by lobbing a brick at its head.
It also used to be piss funny when we were kids when Grandad used to go into Tesco and ask them if they had any Bombay duck.
"Sorry sir, we don't sell duck," the reply would usually come from whichever hapless shelf-stacker he'd decided to pick on - not realising that Bombay duck is actually a type of fish!
More randomly meanwhile, Grandad's parents also used to live in the same street as the parents of Spike Milligan - who was also born in India.
This connection one of the looniest comedians of all time possibly goes some way to explain why we're all a bit mad in our family!
In all seriousness though, Grandad isn't getting any younger - he's now 79. And so for quite some time, I've been determined to get my arse over here while he's still with us, so I can see some of his old haunts... and then return home and share the experience with the man himself.
Happily, Grandad has provided me with a wealth of information - as has his brother, my Great Uncle Alfred. As such, I shall be officially starting the 'Grandad hunt' tomorrow.
As a more urgent matter though, I really need to head off right now and find somewhere that sells loo roll... as none of the bogs here seem to be furnished with any at all.
I know when in Rome you really ought to do as the Romans do... but the idea of wiping 'Indian style' with my bare hands is just not a prospect I can stomach..!
* Peter Buck, for those of you not in the know, is the guitarist from R.E.M... who infamously got so pissed on a plane a few years ago that he lost the plot a bit and started throwing cartons of yoghurt at the cabin crew! Incredibly, he managed to escape jail by getting none other than Bono to appear in court as a character witness! April 23 Despair in the departure lounge...Well, greetings from a little booth at Changi International Airport in Singapore, which allows you to enjoy free access to the internet.
It's certainly a good job that the airport provides such stuff to keep you entertained - because I arrived here this afternoon off my flight from Bangkok to find that my connecting flight to Bombay has been severely delayed!
And as a consequence, I now have four bloody hours to kill!
So what to report?
Well, the Cathay Pacific flight from Bangkok went smoothly at least - though annoyingly, I ended up in a 'middle seat'... which meant I had to fight the 'am-rest war' on both sides!
And with it only being a two-hour flight, they didn't bother switching on the in-flight entertainment - which was annoying, as I'd got really excited when I saw in the in-flight magazine that one of the TV programmes they usually have available to watch.
Yes, 'The David Hasselhoff Story'!
Still, it's probably just as well - for in-flight entertainment on planes can be absolutely maddening. Usually, the cabin crew tend to switch the system off about 20 minutes before the plane comes in to land - and during my current travel adventure, there have been not one but TWO occasions where this has happened at a point when I've been literally about ten minutes from the end of a film!
So, if anyone knows how the recent Hollywood blockbusters 'Mary Antoinette' and 'Dreamgirls' actually finish, feel free to let me know!
Meanwhile, there were a few other notable things that happened during my the flight from Bangkok. First of all, my ears well and truly pricked up at an announcement from the captain that 'guilty pleasures' were available from the cabin crew!
I was like "Wow!", thinking you could maybe get one of the trolley dollies to sing you the Dolly Parton song of your choice! As it turned out though, 'guilty plesures' is merely a term that Cathay Pacific use for the duty-free spirits and chocolates that they have on sale during their flights.
As for the second notable event - well, when perusing the aforementioned in-flight magazine, I started reading the short 'biogs' they have of 'this edition's star contributors'... and the blurb for one of the writers mentioned that he's a big Nottingham Forest fan.
So a big Hi to Kevin Pilley in the unlikely event that he reads this blog!
And lastly - the in-flight meal included a small tub of green tea-flavoured ice cream.
How weird is that?!
Anyway, I'm getting daggers for hogging the free internet, so I'd best be off now to see how else I can kill some bloody time at this airport!
I must say, I'm a bit nervous about going to India - as although I've enjoyed the madness of Asia, I suspect India may just prove to be a bit TOO mad.
Bombay in particular sounds crazy. It has a population of over 20 million, two thirds of whom live in slums.
And apparently it's common to see people openly taking a shit in the middle of the street. Nice!
Still, we'll see how I get on I guess..! April 22 That's neat that's neat that's neat that's neat... we love your tiger feet!
The ability alcohol has to render you incapable of doing even the most straightforward things really is remarkable. At the end of the epic first night of our weekend here in Bangkok, my mate Mike and I staggered back to our hotel and both promptly passed out. A couple of hours later however, I awoke to find I was absolutely freezing - due to the fact that we'd whacked the air-con all the way up to 11 when we'd got in! It honestly felt like I was sleeping in the arctic tundra. Yet I was still so pissed that actually getting out of bed and turning the air-con down was completely beyond me! So there I lay suffering, literally for hours - and needless to say, I felt rather the worse for wear by the time the new morning had dawned. Which wasn't ideal, as Mike and I had quite a big day ahead of us. On our night out, you see, the two of us had got talking to some people who told us about a place here in Thailand that sounded absolutely amazing - a place called the Tiger Temple. And we'd decided that we were definitely going to go on an outing there! The Tiger Temple is exactly what it says on the tin - a temple with tigers in it! The temple started life as a monastry probably much like any other. In the 1990s though, the monks at the monastry started providing sanctuary for wild animals that needed looking after - ones that had been injured or orphaned, or ones that they'd managed to liberate from the hands of poachers. The place is full of all sorts of creatures ranging from pigs to horses to peacocks - however, the biggest draw for visitors are the 17 resident tigers. Most of these have been pretty much raised by the monks - and as such you can actually stroke them and stuff! As soon as we heard this, we decided immediately that we definitely had to go and pay a visit. Although the Tiger Temple is a good few hours' drive from Bangkok, everything is so cheap here in Thailand that you can actually get a taxi to take you on a return trip there for 2,000 Baht - which is equivalent of just under 30 quid. What's more, this price included a slight detour to go and have a look at the infamous Bridge Over the River Kwai! So in spite of sore heads, Mike and I found a willing cabbie and were on our way - although it quickly became apparent that our chauffer for the day had bugger all idea of where he was actually going! After stopping a few times to ask for directions though, we eventually arrived at the bridge - which is actually pretty similar in appearance to Nottingham's Lady Bay Bridge! Ultimately though, it is just a bridge - so it was only a quick stop really before we continued to the day's main attraction. And at 4pm, five hours after we'd left Bangkok, we finally arrived. Amazingly, the first thing we heard after our cab driver dropped us oitside the temple was a loud 'miaow'! We were like "Wow!", thinking it must have been one of the tigers, and that they actually sound just like regular kitty cats! Suffice to say though, it was actually a ginger tom that was lurking in the car-park - and this proved to be the only feline we'd see that day. Yes, you guessed it - we'd arrived to discover that the temple closes at 4pm! Of course, with it having literally only just gone four o'clock, we begged the bloke manning the entrance to cut us a bit of slack - especially in view of how far we'd come. The guy was having none of it though. What's more, he also told us that there was no way we'd have been allowed in anyway, as we both happened to be wearing red shirts - and red apparently makes the tigers really angry and aggressive! Now having travelled to watch Nottingham Forest play away on more occasions than I care to remember, I'm pretty used to going a long way for nothing! But not being able to go and see the tigers was still an almighty kick in the balls. It was our own fault I suppose for not really looking into it properly. Nevertheless, we were left feeling how the Griswald family must have felt in the film 'National Lampoon's American Vacation' - when they drove all the way across the States to go to 'Wally World'... only to get there and find it was shut! So what to do? Well, our original plan had been to check out the tigers... and then head straight back to Bangkok. However, we were loathe to go all the way back though without seeing the tigers. Thus, we quickly decided on a change of plan - to get our driver to drop us instead at the nearest town, and find some cheap accomodation there for the night. This would enable us to return to the Tiger Temple the next day... and we could then figure out some way of getting back to Bangkok from there! Of course, this plan meant we'd be cutting short our time in Bangkok - as it would involve not getting back there until 24 hours after we'd originally intended. Still, we weren't too worried about this. After all, our first night in the city had given us enough Bangkok craziness to last a lifetime! So... our cabbie duly dropped us off in Kanchanaburi - a town we knew absolutely nothing about! It quickly became apparent though that it was a pretty cool place - a bustling town with seemingly very few tourists. That said, the sex trade was still rampant. Indeed, as Mike and I went on the hunt for accomodation, we walked into the lobby of what we'd thought was a hotel - only to realise very quickly that it was actually a brothel! It was unbelievable - there were about 30 scantily clad girls lined up behind a glass screen, all of them labelled with numbers. We quickly left and ended up deciding to stay in a guest house just over the road, purely on the bais that it'd only cost equivalent of about two quid for the night. Sometimes though you truly do get what you pay for - as our twin room turned out to be a coachroach-infested hellhole! It was a cruel blow considering that our plush room back in Bangkok - which we'd already paid for - would be left empty for the evening! An amazing Thai curry in the restaurant next door raised our spirits though, and we duly decided to hit the town. We promptly discovered that Kanchanaburi has a place with those Japanese-style karaoke booths - and after a few drinks, it seemed only appropriate to give it a blast. Alas, we were thwarted by the fact that the book listing all the songs available to choose were all in the Thai language, which has a completely different alphabet! Still, it was a good night - and one which ended with me discovering something rather remarkable about Mike! Yes - he sleepwalks... and does rather odd things when he does so! Now picture this scene. Sometime after we'd decided to call it a night and hit the hay, I was awoken by the sound of Mike getting out of his bed and tripping over something. Nothing strange about that, I thought - he's probably just getting up to go to the bog. And indeed he was. However, rather than going into the bathroom, Mike stopped in the middle of the room, dropped his kecks, opened the door of the wardrobe... and began pissing into like a racehorse! Naturally, I was immediately like "Mike! Mike! What are you doing?" The man was completely oblivious though, and finished his business before calmly getting back into bed. What's more, he had no recollection whatsoever of the incident in the morning as we both woke up in a room which, by now, reeked of stale piss! A valiant attempt was duly made to mop up the yellow pool on the floor - nevertheless, we decided it would be sensible to do a runner from the hotel before they found out! Fortunately, we'd both checked in under false names - something I've been doing regularly throughout my travels over the last few months, purely for my own amusement! And so it was that David Hasselhoff and Bob Carolgees embarked on their second attempt to go and see the tigers. Incredibly though, it seemed for a while that we would be denied for a second time! Our unexpected overnight stay out in Kanchanaburi, you see, had seen Mike and I spend all of the limited amount of cash that we'd decided to take with us when we left Bangkok. This wasn't initially a matter of any concern - as we'd figured that we could simply find a cashpoint and get some more Baht. However, having thought he wouldn't need it, Mike had left his bankcards in the safe back in our hotel room in Bangkok. And the one card I had with me appears to have corrupted itself... because we tried it at about six cashpoints, and it wouldn't work at any of them! In other words, we were stranded with no money! Just as we were wondering what on earth we were going to do though, we were handed a 'get out of jail free' card - namely, me suddenly remembering that I had some American dollars in my wallet that I'd acquired, ready for when I go to Nepal the week after next. And despite it being a Sunday, we managed to find a money-changing place in the town that was open - so we were quickly back in business! In terms of getting to the Tiger Temple, we'd decided to catch the local bus. This proved more difficult though than we thought - as there was seemingly no-one at the bus station who spoke any English... and all of the destinations marked on the front of the buses were written in the Thai alphabet! Happily though, we eventually had a breakthrough when Mike approached one of the bus drivers and did a really lame impression of a tiger! Amazingly, the penny dropped straight away, with the driver immediately pointing to a particular bus! So a short while later, we were back at the entrance of the temple. And after buying a non-red T-shirt and paying the admission fee - equivalent of about four quid - we went in. Along with around 50 other visitors, we were soon stood absolutely agog, as the monks brought out a baby tiger and let it wander freely among us! Needless to say, it was amazing. I know when you're a bloke you're meant to be all gruff and stuff and not say stuff like this - but it was one of the cutest things I've ever seen! And this was just the warm-up for the fully-grown tigers! Now these are kept for most of the day in cages - however, several times a day, the monks take them to a nearby canyon and let them loose so they can exercise. And the visitors to the temple are allowed to join them on the walk! The tigers were all on leads, and everyone got the opportunity to walk along right next to one of them for about 30 seconds during the short distance to canyon. It was pretty scary, but nevertheless ace! Having loved He-Man when I was a kid, it felt like being Prince Adam walking along with Cringer through the leafy paradise of Eternia! And hilariously, when Mike wa having his turn, his tiger started taking a piss! In view of Mike's nocturnal movements a few hours earlier, maybe it was attempting to exercise some sort of revenge on behalf of the guest house we'd stayed in the previous night?! On arrival at the canyon, we got the opportunity to stroke the tigers and have photos taken with them. It was incredible, but I couldn't help having mixed feelings about it all - specifically because the tigers were so docile that it was hard to believe they hadn't been drugged in some way. Saying that, when the monks had brought out the baby tiger only a short while earlier, they'd had to take it away from its mother in order to do so - and the mother, fortunately still in her cage at this point, had gone absolutely ballistic! She gave a full-on roar - and generally displayed the sort of apocolyptic rage that would no way be possible had she been skagged up to the eyeballs. Perhaps predictably, the monks claim that the tigers aren't drugged. Who knows? Either way, it had been an amazing experience. And I've got to say, the monks at the temple were easily the coolest monks I've seen in Asia so far. The one who seemed to be the head monk was even wearing a pair of aviator-style shades! Meanwhile, Mike and I also fell on our feet in terms of getting back to Bangkok! As we were leaving the temple you see, we'd got talking to a group of four Australian people who - like us the previous day - had decided to book a taxi to take them on a return trip from Bangkok to check out the tigers. Fortunately for us, their cab was actually a minibus with plenty of room for two stragglers - and they were more than happy for us to jump in with them! The Aussies were a couple in their late 20s, and a middle-aged couple. During the journey, we discovered that the main reason why they were in Thailand was because the younger couple are actually getting married on the beach next week - while the older couple were the bride-to-be's parents! Awww! I sincerely hope they have a fabulous day, as they were great people. They even refused to take any money off us towards the cab fare - although Mike and I managed to repay their kindness by buying them dinner during a stop-off on the way back. As well as the stopping off for grub, our new friends had also arranged to make a brief stop at a place called Monkey School - where monkeys are taught to do tricks such as playing basketball! Keen to get back to Bangkok, we decided not to actually go in - however, we did get to feed a couple of monkeys that were loitering around the entrance. Eventually we arrived back in the city with the night still young. Mike and I are so knackered though that all we've done tonight is laze around our hotel, recharging our batteries ready for the respective flights we have to get tomorrow - Mike back home to Kuala Lumpur, and me to India. Still, brief as it has been, our visit to Thailand has been an adventure that neither of us will ever forget..! April 21 These are crazy, crazy, crazy crazy nights!
Christ on a bike - Bangkok is absolutely bonkers! My friend Mike and I arrived here yesterday, after a two-hour flight from Kuala Lumpur. The airport here is brand new and very 'space age' - and after an incredibly swift passage through passport control, baggage claim and customs, we jumped in a cab and were soon speeding towards the city... which is an enormous concrete sprawl of a place. By the time we'd gotten ourselves checked into our accommodation, it was late morning - and we duly decided to go for a walk to get our bearings. We had literally intended to just go for a bit of a wander. As it turned out though, this proved to be just the start of a wild drunken adventure that saw us not return to our hotel till the early hours of the morning! It all started pretty innocently, when we decided it'd be a good idea to get out of the boiling heat and go for a few pints. Now being one of the most notoriously debauched places in the world, you'd think it'd be pretty easy to find somewhere to go for a drink in Bangkok, right? Wrong! Clearly, Mike and I were walking round the wrong part of the city - as it took us literally about an hour to find a bar! Eventually though, or persistence paid off - and we ended up in a cool boozer with a pool table, where the waitresses actually come and set up all the balls for you at the start of each game! Whilst in there, we got talking to a really cool group of Western folk who were working together in Bangkok at a college, teaching English to the local Thai kids. Amazingly, one of them was an American guy who'd actually been to the original Woodstock festival! By the time we left the bar it was about 7pm - and with us having been making the most of the bar's 'happy hour' prices, Mike and I were already pretty hammered. It was inevitable that we would be staying out for the whole night! So naturally, we decided it'd be funny to go for a wander through the neon glow of Patpong - Bangkok's infamous red light district! Now given that most Brits are pretty indifferent these days about the Royal Family, this may come as a surprise to those of you 'back home' - but the people of Thailand absolutely love their king. The bloke is worshipped like a God here. In fact, every Monday in Thailand, everyone wears yellow in honour of the guy - just because it's his favourite colour! In Patpong however, it seemed to be all about THE King! Yes, there are several Elvis-themed boozers here - and after being collared by one of the blokes that grab you in the street and try and to drag you into their bars, Mike and I ended up enjoying the chintzy decor of 'Love Me Tender'! Our plan had simply been to carry on drinking. However, the resident 'Madam' seemed to think we were in search of something else - as the next thing we knew, we had a line of five scantily clad girls being paraded in front of us, all ready and available to 'love us long time'! Naturally, there was only one way to wriggle out of this situation - yes, Mike and I decided to pretend that we were actually gay! And to try and give credence to this claim, we decided for a laugh to ask the pimp woman if she had any rent boys available! However, this tactic almost backfired! "Ah yes - you come with me," the pimp woman purred. "I have big ladyboy for you!" Needless to say, we quickly downed our drinks and got the hell out of there! By this time, Patpong had well and truly come to life. The dingy streets are an absolute sea of sleaze - and yet right in the middle of it all, there's a little beacon of British wholesomeness. Yes, a branch of Boots The Chemists! It was actually outside Boots where we were first accosted by one of the dozens of men who come up to you proffering 'menus', which list all of the different types of live sex shows on offer. I'll spare you the exact details of what was available... but let's just say that a certain racquet sport was very well represented! And if you don't know what I'm on about - well, just be thankful for your own innocence! Mike and I quickly realised that we could have a right laugh by ripping the piss out of these blokes by asking them ludicrous questions! For instance, most 'menus' we had thrust in our faces seemed to include a show called 'Rainbow pussy' - and so in mock seriousness, I started asking "Rainbow pussy? Wow, is that a big gang-bang involving Rod, Jane and Freddie?" Meanwhile, the offer of a 'Cream massage' was met with a retort of "Cream massage? Blimey... is that a massage performed by Eric Clapton himself? Is that how he got the nickname 'Slowhand'?" Some of the baffled looks that we got in response were priceless! Later on in the evening, we stumbled upon a bar with its own boxing ring, where punters are invited to scrap with a strapping ladyboy! By this stage, I had found that pretending to be an aloof Moldovan with no grasp of English was a great way of keeping away the whores who invariably tried to drape themselves over us everywhere we went. And things got even more surreal when we got chatting to a British couple - who, as it turned out, were on their honeymoon! Now Bangkok is a bit of a weird place to go on a honeymoon, I thought... but hey, to each their own and all that. It turned out though that this pair were far from being an ordinary couple. For after having dispensed with the initial pleasantries, the blushing bride was soon whispering some lurid things into my ear that I could barely believe I was hearing. In a nutshell - she wanted Mike and I to go back to their hotel with her... in order for us to 'spitroast' her while her new husband watched! Now this girl was actually very attractive - and naturally, we were deeply flattered to have been 'headhunted' for the job. And generally, I'll try anything once! However - much as I love Mikey B, the sight of his gurning face in the throes of sexual congress is something I never, ever want to be confronted with! So call me boring, but it was a polite no from me - and with Mike himself being a happily married man, it was a polite no from him too! We quickly made our excuses and left. By now, things had gotten just a little too weird - and with Mike by now staggering round the streets singing Everton FC terrace songs, much to the bemusement of everyone in the vicinity, I took the executive decision to bundle him into a cab and get our arses out of there! Fortunately, our hotel had issued us with a supply of little cards to hand to to taxi drivers, emblazoned with the Thai phrase for "Please take me to the Gold Orchid Hotel". Without these, I think we'd probably have ended up sleeping in a gutter somewhere, as we were both so hammered that we couldn't remember what the place was called! The night was by no means over though yet! For as our cab crawled the last few hundred yards towards the hotel, we spotted a hilarious-looking wild west-themed pub! Naturally, we insisted our taxi driver stop right there - and unbelievably, we burst through the saloon doors to find a Thai covers band playing a rendition of one of the music's ultimate guilty pleasures... yes, 'Money For Nothing' by Dire Straits! Needless o say, we were straight on the dancefloor giving it the air guitars - much to the clear amusement of the largely Thai clientele in the bar! We were less impressed however when our drinks arrived, and proved to be possibly the foulest margaritas that either of us had ever tasted. Honestly, it tasted like mouthwash! I think though that they were trying to get rid of us to be honest - and so we took the hint and decided to call it a night. The drama still wasn't over though - as during the short walk back to the hotel, Mike almost got attacked by a savage stray dog that looked uncannily like Bullseye from the film version of the musical 'Oliver'!
So, an eventful first day in Bangkok to say the least! And the two of us have got another two days here yet - so goodness knows what else will happen..! April 19 Welcome to the jungle! We've got fun and games..!So, I'm back from my four-day trip to the Malaysian jungle - specifically, Taman Negara National Park, which is reputedly the world's oldest rainforest. And it was amazing!
Of course, you probably want all the juicy detail, right? About all the wild animals I saw... and the small matter of me having got lost on my own in the middle of the jungle, to a point where genuinely thought I may have to spend the night cowering in the bushes and trying to avoid being eaten by the resident tigers!
First of all though, let me tell you a bit about the tourism industry here in Malaysia.
Now when I started thinking about what I wanted to do during my time in this country, a trip to the jungle was always near the top of the list. And I'd I assumed that, once I arrived in Kuala Lumpur, it'd be easy to book myself onto some sort of organised coach trip departing from the city to Taman Negara. However, in spite of the fact that the government here is currently spending shedloads on a global marketing campaign called 'Visit Malaysia', I soon discovered that the tourism industry here is incredibly backward. For instance, when I went for a wander for the first time round downtown KL, I'd assumed that there'd be loads of tour operators everywhere offering trips to different attractions - as that has very much been the case in all the other big cities I've visited in Asia on this trip. But not so in KL - in fact, on my first mooch around the city, I failed to find any tour operators at all! I duly consulted the internet - and duly managed to find addresses for a couple of places, both located in a the same dingy shopping centre. I didn't really get very far though when I popped into these places the next day - specifically because they couldn't seem to get their head round the fact that I'm travelling alone. Basically, both tour operators had trips on offer - however, the 'single supplement' I'd have had to have paid in each case was absolutely preposterous! They were basically wanting me to pay about three times what I'd have paid had I been booking as one member of a small group. I found this absolutely bizarre - I mean, do tour companies in Malaysia not realise that their continent is absolutely swarming with lots of people travelling around on their own? If someone opened a more backpacker-friendly tour company here in KL, they'd make an absolute killing. Until then though, people in my situation will probably continue to do what I ended up doing - which was getting up to the jungle via public transport, and then organising everything myself from there. And now folks, having gotten my little rant over, here's how my four-day adventure went... Day one Laden with supplies of Cheezels - officially Malaysia's finest crisps - I find myself dropped off in downtown KL at an unholy hour, in order to get my bus to the small town of Tembeling. Tembeling is some 200 miles north of KL - and it's as close as you can get to Taman Negara National Park by road. Yes, there's only one way to proceed onwards into the heart of the jungle - you have to take a three-hour boat journey down the river! The boat in question turned out to be a wooden deathtrap with room for about 20 passengers, seemingly powered by a hairdryer. It thunders up the river though at a steady pace - with sights on the way include a herd of wild water buffaloes wandering through the shallow water near the bank, and loads of Malaysian fishermen busy at work. Meanwhile, I also passed the time by making friends with some of my fellow passengers - Jemma and Davina* from Kent, two friends who are backpacking round the world together, plus Maeve from Ireland and Simon from Berkshire, who, like me, are both 'solo travellers'. Jemma and Davina in particular were hilarious. At the time when the two of them decided to go away travelling together, Jemma was working for a recruitment agency - and in a truly inspired move, she actually fixed up Davina with a job with a travel agents, despite her being completely unqualified for the post, purely so she could book flights for them both at heavily discounted rates! And generally, the two of them were the biggest pair of 'girly girls' you could ever wish to meet - one of them had actually packed a pair of killer heels and hair straighteners for the trip to the jungle! These revelations all made for a very amusing journey, which ended at around 5pm when the boat finally arrived in Kuala Tahan - a small village that we'd all decided to use as our 'base' for exploring the surrounding jungle. Amazingly, my journey from KL had cost equivalent of less than a tenner - and after getting off the boat, we quickly discovered that Kuala Tahan is an amazing place! It looks like a mishmash collection of wooden shacks built on the bank of the river, but there's actually an amazing amount of infrastructure - including a school, a police station... and even an internet cafe! It's also amazingly cheap. Being basically in the middle of nowhere, I'd expected everything to be quite expensive. However, we all found beds for for the night in a friendly guest house for equivalent of less than two quid each! Food was also dirt cheap. Before eating though, my first priority was to get over to the Taman Negara National Park Visitor Centre - as this was where I needed to go to book myself places in the park's hides for the next two nights. For those of you who don't know, 'hides' are basically wooden treehouses in the middle of the jungle, where you can spend the night trying to spot wild animals! Now getting to the Visitor Centre to get myself booked in involved getting to the other side of the river - although this proved to be easy, as the village has a very efficient 'river taxi' service. In fact, I was there and back, with hides successfully booked, in less than ten minutes. And I spotted three wild pigs whilst over there too! After dinner meanwhile, I decided to give myself an introduction to the jungle by paying equivalent of about four quid to go on a 'night safari'! This involved being driven round the jungle in a 4x4, whilst our guide shone a spotlight through the trees and tried to pick out animals. The local dudes running the safari were clearing going for some sort of record as to how many people they could get into a single 4x4 - and guess who managed to blag the prized seat on the roof?! Yes, it felt like being in the A-Team as we bounced along the bumpy terrain, me clinging on for dear life. And we did actually spot quite a few animals - including a leopard, a herd of oxen, and a couple of small snakes. Our guide certainly had an amazing knack of being able to pick out the wildlife in the pitch blackness. Sadly though for him, this ended up being somewhat overshadowed by a rather more mundane event - namely, the 4x4 breaking down, leaving us stuck in the middle of the jungle for a good half-hour before our driver managed to get the engine going again! You probably had to be there, but this episode was actually pretty entertaining! And it would by no means be the only instance during my foray into the jungle of things not quite going according to plan..! Day two After being woken up by a cockerel crowing, Jemma, Davina, Maeve, Simon and I set off on our first proper foray into the jungle on foot. We'd decided to get to a canopy walkway situated a short walk from Kuala Tahan - which is basically a network of rope bridges that you can walk along through the tops of the trees, reaching heights of up to 40 feet. The whole thing felt ricketty as hell - but needless to say, the views were worth it!
After completing the canopy walkway, I bid farewell to the others in order to press on further into the jungle on my own. Specifically, I'd decided to head to 'Kumbang Hide', a 12 kilometre hike from Kuala Tahan. Now I can't deny that my decision to pick this particular hide was partly because of its highly amusing name! I mean, Kumbang - it sounds like the name of a German porno film! My main reason though was because it's actually the most remote of all the hides - and thus affords the best chance of being able to spot animals. Now you're probably thinking "But is it safe to go off wandering alone into the jungle? Aren't there rhinos, tigers and elephants?" Well in theory, yes... there are! And there is a local myth at Kuala Tahan about a woman from Texas who went wandering off alone into the jungle, and was never seen again.
However, we'd been talking to a local guy the previous night who works as a guide, and he was saying that he'd only seen a tiger twice in 14 years! What's more, the animals are only really active at night. Plus, the trek routes through the jungle are very clearly marked. Or so I'd thought! But more of that later..! So, off I set, armed with map, compass, my wits, and a really big stick! The first thing that struck me was how similar the scenery was to the rainforest that I hiked through in New Zealand earlier on in my trip - with the general look and feel very Jurassic Park-esque. The terrain was pretty challenging, with lots of ups and downs. In the intense humidity, I was soon sweating like a fat kid in a cake shop.
The sense of isolation was amazing though - four hours into my hike, I hadn't seen a single person... just a few monkeys and a huge lizard! I was certainly making good progress, and by about 3pm I estimated that I'd only got about three kilometres to go to get to the hide. However, this was when things started to go a bit pear-shaped - as the track abruptly disappeared! Suddenly, all I had in front of me was dense vegetation - and no apparent path through it! I duly got the map out - and noticing that the track ran pretty much parallel to the river, and then eventually joined the riverbank at a point where there was a bridge. As such, I decided I'd work my way down to the river, and see if I could make it to the bridge by following the riverbank.
Unfortunately though, after slashing my legs to ribbons, I had to concede that the vegetation on the riverbank was simply unpassable. Still, I had a 'plan C'. How about I see whether the river is shallow enough for me to simply wade through the water?
Now for about the first 30 metres as I inched my my forward up the river, this plan appeared to be working, as the water was only coming up to my knees. Without warning though, the riverbed suddenly disappeared beneath my feet - and I found myself plunging under the dirty water, along with my bag that I'd been carrying above my head.
Now not being a strong swimmer, this was bloody scary! And to get back to the shallow bit, I had to swim against the current of the river. I made it though back to the bank... where I discovered I now had about eight leeches feasting upon my leg!
There was also the small matter of all my possessions being completely drenched - though I had taken the precaution before going into the water of wrapping my iPod, camera and other valuables in a plastic bag.
Fortunately, these items had survived unharmed - however, there was still the small matter of having to now come up with a 'plan D'. The obvious thing would've been to simply give up and return to Kuala Tahan. However, it was about 4.30pm by this time - meaning I only had about two-and-a-half hours of daylight left... which wouldn't be enough time to make it back.
What's more, I no longer had a map - well I did, but it was now a soggy useless mess after my mishap in the water. It was all getting very 'Blair Witch'!
So what to do? Well, I quickly decided that my only remaining option was to try and 'hitchhike' - yes, flag down a passing boat and try to bag a lift! After all, from the sounds I'd heard in the distance, there had been plenty of boats going up and down the river throughout the day - so surely it wouldn't be too long before one came along?
Famous last words! As it turned out, I was waiting on the riverbank for nearly an hour! I don't think I really need to point out that I was starting to cack myself big time, and was getting so desperate that I'd actually starting musing over the possibility of trying to construct a bamboo raft as a means of continuing up the river!
Happily though, such measures proved unnecessary - and I can't tell you how relieved I was when, finally, I heard the distant hum of an engine coming up the river. Two fishermen in a small boat duly came into view - and thankfully they stopped when I flagged them down. Given the situation, I'd have happily paid them a king's ransom to get me out of there - though amazingly, they were more than happy to give me a lift for free, dropping me at the bridge where I was able to rejoin the track and hike the last kilometre to the hide.
Good to know that us Fishers stick together in times of crisis - arf! Now by this time I was pretty exhausted, both physically and emotionally - so this last kilometre seemed much further. And I started to panic a bit. I began wondering whether the hide was so well camoflaged that I'd actually walked past it! My shattered nerves weren't helped when I suddenly stumbled upon a cluster of creepy derelict buildings in the middle of the trees - apparently a former holiday resort that went bust years ago.
Thankfully though, the hide eventually appeared - just as dusk was starting to set in. The place was basically a big wooden shed on stilts, with a few wooden bunk beds inside. I knew when I'd booked my place that at least seven other folk would also be spending the night there - and when I walked in, I was greeted by a cry of "Fookin' 'ell, la, look at the state of youze!"
Yes, unbelievably, of all the people in the world, two of my new friends for the evening were a couple from Liverpool! I don't know what it is - I seem to find Scousers everywhere!
It was certainly good to find some friendly faces after the afternoon I'd had, and John and Yvonne proved to be fabulous company. And their initial greeting was by no means unwarranted - for when I walked in, my legs were pouring with blood from where the leeches had gotten hold of me!
Now getting attacked by leeches is actually A Good Thing, believe it or not... because all they do is suck the bad toxins out of your blood! However, they also put something into your blood that stops it from clotting - so even after you've prized the buggers off your person, you still end up bleeding for hours!
I quickly got myself cleaned up though, and we duly spent a very entertaining evening surrounded by the noises of the jungle.
Now the jungle had been pretty loud during the day, with a constant cacaphony of birds and insects. At night though - well, it's truly something else! It's a magical sound, and very rhythmic too! It certainly made for a great soundtrack as we sat quietly in the dark, trying to spot animals out of the hide's pane-less windows. It was soon pitch black outside, so our tactic of choice was to listen out for rustling sounds - and then, when there was some, to shine torches in the direction of wherever the noise had came from. Sadly, we made no sightings beyond a sea of spectacular fireflies, and some absolutely enormous moths! Nevertheless, it was tremendously exciting knowing that we MIGHT see something at any second. It was a bit like watching live coverage of Big Brother on TV - nothing was happening... but even so, we didn't want to turn away in case something DID happen! For a brief moment it did seem like some kind of excitement was on the cards, in the form of a sudden loud noise emanating from the back of the hide - a sort of guttural roar! Naturally, we were all like "Shit! What was that?" As it turned out though, the noise was merely one of the other people in the hide who'd fallen asleep and started snoring ferociously! Apart from myself and the Scousers, the other people in the hide were a group of five who were on a guided tour. Impressively, they'd actually slept the previous night in a cave - which I thought was pretty hardcore really! Sleep certainly wasn't far off my own agenda - and I ended up hitting the hay around midnight. I was so tired after the trials and tribulations of the day that I slept like a baby - although there was one point in the night when I was roused by a loud clattering... which turned out to be rats knocking over the Cave Guys' cooking equipment whilst scavenging for food! I think I'd normally be slightly horrified by the idea of sleeping in the vicinity of rats - but on this occasion I was so knackered that I just rolled over and went straight back to sleep! Day three The start of this day saw a change of plan. Initially, I'd intended to go straight from Kumbang Hide to Tabing Hide - the latter being the hide that I'd booked myself into for my third night in the jungle. However, Tabing Hide was a 10 kilometre hike away, and I was running low on water. As such, I decided instead to go back to Kuala Tahan to stock up, and then head for Tabing Hide from there. Along with the water situation, my change of plan was also influenced by the offer of a free lift by boat back to Kuala Tahan - as John and Yvonne had arranged for a 'river taxi' to ferry them there from the bridge where I'd been dropped off the previous day by the fisherman... and very kindly, they let me jump in with them. Within about two minutes of arriving back in the village, I bumped into Maeve and Simon - who I regaled with my tall tales of the previous day! And they had some news for me as well - namely, that Jemma and Davina had decided to beat a hasty retreat back to civilisation, unable to hack the jungle! The three of us duly spent a few hours relaxing in the sun by the river, mainly so I could try and get some of my soggy possessions dry! By mid-afternoon, Maeve and I decided to head off back into the jungle, what with Maeve having also decided to book a place in Tabing Hide for the night. I would later be very thankful that she had, because it turned out that no-one else was staying there that night - so I would've had the rather terrifying prospect of spending the night there all on my own! So after saying farewell to Simon - who'd decided to stay in the village - Maeve and I set off. With Tabing Hide being only three kiolometres from the village, we took a fairly gentle pace, and even stopped on the way for a swim in a natural water pool. We also passed a village inhabited by traditional Malaysian jungle people, and had the jungle kids wave at us! Tabing Hide meanwhile turned out to be very similar to Kumbang Hide - the only difference being that it had a visitors' book with loads of comments written in it by people who'd stayed there previously. Some of the remarks were priceless. "Tarzan's a good bloke," one past visitor wrote. "He came and joined us for a few beers in the hide, before swinging off through the vines." A lot of the comments also included blatantly made-up claims of elephant and tiger sightings! Wags... I must say, my expectations were pretty low in terms of whether Maeve and I would see any animals - purely on the basis that I'd not seen anything the previous night when I'd stayed at the hide where you supposedly have the best chance of seeing stuff. We were to be surprised though - as the evening saw us enjoy not one but two animal sightings! The first was a huge raccoon-type creature, while the second was a massive porcupine! So, a successful night really! Maeve and I also had a right laugh, scaring each other with ghost stories and such-like! Armed with a torch, we also actually went out on a wander into the jungle in the pitch black - something which started off with a conversation from the safety of the hide along the lines of "I bet you daren't leave the hide and walk as far as that tree over there!" Egging each other on, the two of us actually ended up going a few hundred yards and found ourselves getting braver and braver - though upon hearing a sudden loud crash from some neaby bushes we completely shat ourselves, and beat a hasty retreat back to the safety of the hide! Day four This day saw an early start, with Maeve and I getting up at sunrise in order to make it back to Kuala Tahan in time for a 9am boat - the first leg of our journey back to Kuala Lumpur. During the walk back we saw a skunk - which was apt really, as I certainly smelt as bad as one after several days of roughing it in the jungle! As is always the case though in these sorts of situations, it was only upon returning to civilation and seeing clean people that I actually realised how truly bedraggled and stinky I was! After our boat docked, we had 90 minutes to kill before the next bus left for KL - and amazingly, there was a nearby hotel who were happy to let us have a shower there for free. With me having no clean clothes though, there seemed little point in having a shower just to get changed back into the same rancid clobber - and so I decided to go off on a mission to the local shops to try and find some cheap new threads! Despite the fact that we were in a really small town in a fairly obscure backwater of Malaysia, I somehow succeeded in my quest! However, the clothes shop I found had, shall we say, a fairly limited selection... and the best outfit I could muster was a pair of fake FC Barcelona footy shorts, coupled a red T-shirt emblazoned with a skeleton print in glow-in-the-dark yellow! Now the T-shirt said 'XL' on the label, so I was assuming it'd easily be big enough. for me. But it was only after having had my shower that I realised that 'XL' in Asia is presumably equivalent of 'S' in the UK - as I could barely fit in the thing! Still, if you make your bed, you have to lie in it... so manfully, I squeezed myself into the thing and prepared to face ridicule. And to be fair, I did look bloody ridiculous! It was certainly funny for my friend Mike when I eventually arrived back in KL this afternoon. He was expecting me to return looking like Swampy - only for me to roll up looking more like some sort of gay superhero! Still, an amusing end to my foray into the jungle - which, in spite of the one scary moment, was a brilliant experience. And I certainly saved a lot of cash by electing to go under my own steam. Indeed, the whole jungle trip - including transport, food, activities and dubious new clothes - cost equivalent of less than fifty quid! It's actually now my last night in Malaysia, as Mike and me are both off to Bangkok tomorrow for the weekend. Then, after that, Mike flies home to KL... while I'll be continuing my journey by pushing on for India. I'll certainly be sad to leave Malaysia, as I've really enjoyed it here. It's strange, as it's a country that doesn't seem to be on the radar of many backpackers travelling round Asia - and to be fair, it probably wouldn't have been on mine were it not for Mike living here. Yet having had that reason to come here, I've discovered it's an amazing place. Sure, it's not a country without its frustrating aspects - not least the sloth-like tourism industry that I was moaning about earlier in this blog entry. But in the grand scheme of things, this is always going to be a minor quibbles when, ultimately, you're talking about a place that has a giant cave full of monkeys! Other cool things about Malaysia are the fact that KL is possibly the Guilty Pleasure capital of the world. In every bar, shopping centre or restaurant you go in, you get pummelled with more powerballads than you can shake a brown pole at. And amazingly, Malaysian people have a habit of adding 'la' to the end of every sentence - just like Scousers! It's no wonder Mike's seems to have taken to life over here so easily! So, onward then to Bangkok! In terms of finding out what I get up to there, you may actually get a quicker update from Mike than you get from me, by visiting his blog anytime from early next week. You can view Mike's blog by clicking here. In fact, if you go there now, his latest few photo albums feature a number of the shenanigans that we've been up to while I've been here... including our trip to the elephant sanctuary, the Formula One, and the aforementioned monkey cave! As for why I'm wearing an Everton shirt in some of the snaps - well, let's just call it gratitute for the Toffeemen's act of benevolence in the late 1990s in taking the terminally rubbish Scot Gemmill off Nottingham Forest's hands..! * Names changed to stop them potentially getting into trouble in the unlikely event of one of their ex-employers reading my witterings! April 15 I'm gonna fight 'em, off - a seven-nation army couldn't hold me back...Well, it's been a great weekend here in Kuala Lumpur!
Not only did I get to enjoy the amazing night out on the town that I described in my last update, I've also been on trips to two cool places in the vicinity of the city. First of all was a trip with Mike - my friend who I'm staying with here in KL - to an elephant sanctuary. Now Mike had been to this sanctuary on numerous occasions before - as it's a place where he invariably ends up taking all friends and relatives that come to visit him and his family here in KL! As every right-thinking person knows though, elephants are utterly ace! So the sanctuary sort of place you could probably never get bored of really. Those of you reading this may or not not know, but the jungle areas of Malaysia do actually have a large population of wild elephants. The role of the sanctuary is to take in babies that have been orphaned - and to rear them until they are big enough to be released back into the wild. They also capture wild elephants that have strayed into vulnerable areas, and relocate them to places where they'll be safer. So, off we headed to the place in Mike's car, with Mike's kids Jamie (10) and Luke (5) also coming along for the ride. When we arrived, I was amazed to discover that the sanctuary doesn't actually charge people a single penny - or a single ringett, even - to come and visit. And the subsequent hour-and-a-half that we spent in there was without doubt one of the best things that I've ever gotten for free. As well as simply getting to see the elephants ambling round their huge enclosure, there were numerous activities. First of all, we got to watch the elephants get their daily shower! This was something the giant creatures clearly loved - with them all rolling onto their backs so the sanctuary staff could give their bellies a good blast with the hosepipe! Then, as soon as the elephants were all clean and presentable, we got to help feed them! This basically involved holding out pieces of fruit in front of the elephants, and letting them take it off you with their trunks. It was really cool - for such massive beasts, they're incredibly gentle. Lunchtime over, we then got to clamber onto the backs of the fully-grown elephants and go on not one but two rides! The first ride was simply a quick stroll around the grounds of the sanctuary - while the second involved us going down a stretch of nearby river! This saw us get pretty wet - because there's a part of the river where it starts to get quite deep... and upon reaching this point, the elephants have been trained to roll over, tipping their passengers into the water! Of course, we had been warned that this would happen - had we not, I think I would've panicked like buggery and feared getting crushed underneath the elephant! As it was though, the elephant just swam back upstream - yes, they can actually swim! It was actually a welcome relief to unceremoniously jettisoned into the river, as the early afternoon sun was bloody boiling - so spending a bit of time in the water was a great way to cool down. What's more, we also got to stay in the river for a bit and play with a group of three or four baby elephants - which were splashing around and generally having a ball. This was brilliant - not least as the throng of people surrounding the babies included numerous attractive girls who were soaked from head to foot, through also having been dumped in the water! I mean, girls in wet T-shirts and baby elephants - it's a pretty unbeatable combination really! Joking aside though, the trip to the elephant sanctuary was a brilliant day. It felt like a real privilege to get up close and personal with such magnificent creatures, and it's something that will be lingering in the memory for quite some time. Meanwhile, today was also an excellent day out - with me having joined Mike and the kids plus Mike's wife Nicky on a trip to a place called Genting. Genting is basically a huge leisure complex that's been built on top of a mountain just outside KL. A mishmash of hotels, shopping centres, casinos and theme parks, it's kind of like Malaysia's answer to Vegas... and you have to drive up an incredibly steep winding road to get there! Highlight of our day at Genting was undoubtedly a visit to the indoor artificial snow resort! The place looked just like England on a snowy winter's day - and having only left the boiling humidity of KL little more than an hour earlier, it was quite surreal watching the kids chucking snowballs at each other. There was also an ace slide, where you got to go shooting down a toboggan run made out of ice on a sort of inflatable rubber tyre. We also went on a cable car down the side of the mountain, which was a bit scary... although it offered a great aerial view of the jungle below. And talking of jungle, this is likely to be my last update for a few days - as tomorrow, I'm bidding farewell to Mike and his family and heading off into the Malaysian wilderness... specifically, Taman Negera National Park. This is a protected area of jungle a couple of hours north of KL... where there are actually wild tigers, rhinos and elephants! I'm planning on getting a bus up there and staying for a few nights in the treehouse-style 'hides' that you can hire in middle of the trees, in the hope that I'll be able to spot some wildlife. Watch this space for more..! April 14 How can you wake up with someone you don't love... and not feel slightly phased by it?So, I'm still in Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia - and last night, with it being Friday night, my friend Mike and I decided it was only right and proper to go on a big night on the town! And what a great evening it proved to be... It was one of those nights when you just KNEW from very early on that it was going to be ace! The first sign came in the form of the cabbie who whisked Mike and I into KL city centre, after we'd started our boozing session in earnest with a few scoops in Mike's 'local'. No exaggeration - this guy was officially The Best Taxi Driver Ever! Not only did he not actually try and rip us off - which is sadly usual scenario when you're a westerner and you try and get a cab in KL - he was by far and away one of the friendliest people I've met on my travels so far. What's more, the guy's cab was the most fragrant I have ever been in - while blaring from his stereo was some astonishing jazz music that sounded like it must have been recorded by Howard Moon, one of the characters from bonkers British comedy series The Mighty Boosh! You probably had to be there really - but trust me, it was amazing! And still to come were the delights of KL city centre. Our first port of call was a place called the Beach Club - which, much to my astonishment, had a massive fish tank above its main bar, containing live sharks! The hour or so we spent in the Beach Club also offered me quite an illuminating insight into the rampant sex trade that operates quite openly here in KL. Basically, the place was full of hookers - with most of them going all out to try and festoon themselves upon one of the numerous middle-aged western men that were present in the club. It was fascinating to watch, but also quite pathetic really. Whether the middle-aged men were expats or just tourists, who knows? But a lot of them were proudly parading around with their new ladyfriends, acting as though they were the mutt's nuts. Like "Hey, look at me... I've got a beautiful woman on my arm." And yes, some of the girls were indeed stunning. But c'mon guys... do you think they're actually passing time of day with you because of your witty repartee or good looks? I suppose I'd better get used to these sorts of sights though. After all, Mike and I are going on a trip to next weekend to what is possibly the sleaziest city on the planet - yes, Bangkok! I must say, I decided quite some time ago to stop mentioning the fact that I'm going to Thailand's notorious capital city whenever I end up chatting to other blokes who are also travelling. Basically, I just got sick to death of guys responding by thrusting their tedious alpha-male colours to the fore - going "Aye aye!", giving it nudges and winks, and generally making the assumption that the sole purpose of my visit is to spend the weekend rogering prostitutes! And then, when you say "No actually, I won't be doing any of that", you get them acting as though you're some kind of stick-in-the-mud who's missing out on all the fun. Worst of all, they'll then invariably start bragging the things that they got up to when they were in Bangkok themselves - always in far too much detail. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy shagging as much as the next person. But I just find the idea of it being a business transaction a complete and utter turn-off. Not to mention the small matter of not particularly wanting to end up getting AIDS... I guess it's a case of 'to each their own' really. I do find it pitiful though that there are so many blokes who seem to think that paying for sex is actually something to boast about. But anyway - that's 'Rich's rant for the day' I guess! So what of the rest of the night out in downtown KL? Well after the Beach Club, Mike and I decided to go to a club called Zouk. And it was ace! It was just like being at a good indie club in the UK - only it was full of Malaysian people! Needless to say, Mike and I stuck out like sore thumbs - but the locals made us incredibly welcome. Amusingly, there was one guy wearing a trilby who was clearly desperate to be Pete Doherty! Meanwhile, at the bar you could buy massive jugs of margarita for equivalent of about three quid... so unsurprisingly we ended up getting completely mashed and laying waste to the dancefloor! Now I've got the impression while I've been here that Malaysian people are generally quite reserved - not that it's any wonder, as some of the country's crazy laws mean that they're constantly treading on eggshells. For instance, it's actually an arrestable offence here for a man and woman to hold hands in public! Zouk, however, is clearly a safe haven where the locals can let their hair down and go properly mental - as there were various points in the evening when the dancefloor turned into a full-on mosh pit! It was brilliant - and Mike and me were in our element as we pogoed around to classic tunes by the likes of Led Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones... and also more modern stuff by bands such as Bloc Party and The Young Knives. Possibly the most entertaining part of the night though was when Mike and I decided to go on a wander. A staircase in the lobby area suggested that the club might have a second floor - however, it turned out that all there was up there was a glass door... behind which was an office suite. And despite the fact that it was about 2.30am by this time, there was actually a bloke sat at a desk in this office, still working away! Now in the sober light of day, I can't quite see why this was so amusing. But in our inebriated state, the sight of this guy doing photocopying and other such mundane tasks truly felt like one of the funniest things either of us had ever seen - so much so that Mike grabbed my camera and took what he thought was a surrepticious a photo of the guy! However, this snap obviously hadn't been all that surrepticious at all - because the next thing we knew, the guy was chasing us down the stairs, irately demanding to know why we'd 'papped' him, and threatening to get security to come and kick our arses! Mike and I were both so hammered by this though that we juist stood there and giggled like girls - which seemed to piss off Photocopier Dude even more! What's more, when one of the club's bouncers did arrive, he immediately sent Photocopier Dude packing with a dismissive wave of his hand that said "Oh for fuck's sake, don't waste my time with this sort of shit... you jumped-up little tosser!" And that was that! So, an enormously entertaining evening - which ended with us staggering out of Zouk sometime around 3am. And as we wandered through downtown KL for a cab, you couldn't help but notice the stark difference when compared to the end of a Friday night out in pretty much any town in Britain - specifically, the complete lack of menace in the air, and fact that you could walk the streets freely without feeling like you might get stabbed! It was really refreshing actually. Though the same can't be said for the inevitable hangovers this morning - but hey, that's the price you pay I suppose! April 12 Is this a storm warning? Or are we just another shower?One thing that I've not really mentioned in my previous ramblings about Kuala Lumpur on is the fact that, as part of the tropical climate here, you get regular thunderstorms. And this afternoon I got caught up in an absolute humdinger! It was pretty spectacular to say the least - I spent a good hour watching forked lightning flash through the sky above all the city's tall buildings. I really love it when nature decides to flex its not inconsiderable muscles. It's a good reminder of how tiny and insignificant you are in the grand scheme of things. The aftermath of the storm was amazing too - as the pavements in KL city centre are mainly made out of shiny tiles, and these become incredibly slippy whenever there's any rainfall. Needless to say, this afternoon saw people going arse over tit left right and centre - which always makes for a bit of cheap entertainment. Unless, of course, it's Liverpool FC footballers going arse over tit in your team's penalty box in front of the Kop..! And talking of football - one thing that I've been meaning to mention on this site for a while now is the fact that, despite being woefully out of touch with goings-on in the world of Nottingham Forest, I was recently asked to write 100 words for the BBC website about whether I think the mighty Reds will gain automatic promotion from League One this season by finishing in the top two... or whether they'll end up having to try to scrap their way up via the play-offs. Now for those of you not in the know, Forest are currently third in the table - and with them being seven points ahead of seventh-placed Swansea with only four games remaining, it's looking like the Reds are pretty much guaranteed at least a play-off place. However, they're still four points behind second-placed Bristol City - so that may be all they'll get come the end of the season. Now the nerve-wracking prospect of the play-offs will have most fans' sphincters twitching like rabbits' noses. However, on a purely selfish level, I'm actually hoping that Forest fail to gain automatic promotion - as I made a VERY exciting discovering a few weeks back that could possibly result in me getting the best possible 'homecoming present' when I return to the UK To find out more, click here to read my ramblings for the BBC website - which I wrote about a week ago... Altogether now - que sera sera, whatever we'll be we'll be... Well here's hoping anyway!!! April 11 This is the type of life that I am living. And I'll face each day with a smile. Cos the time that I've been given's such a little while, and the things that I must do consist of more than style...So, I've talked in my last few updates about some of the things I've been up to during my time so far in Kuala Lumpur. But what is the city itself actually like? Well, first and foremost, it's bloody hot and humid! Secondly, my first impressions have been that the place is incredibly 'westernised'. The city centre is a sea of huge, modern skyscrapers, and there are loads of gleaming shopping malls - with one of them even having a Marks and Sparks! Being here certainly isn't as 'edgy' as Hanoi in Vietnam or Phnom Penh in Cambodia. Nevertheless, KL is a really attractive city - incredibly well laid out, with loads of open space and greenery. In fact, there's actually a small area of rainforest that's been preserved right in the middle of the city! It's pretty crazy actually - as when walking through this area, you do start feeling like you're trekking in the middle of the jungle - until you look up and see all the skyscrapers looming above, that is! Dominating the skyline in the city are the Petronas Towers - which, at nearly 500-metres high, are the second tallest buildings in the world. Aesthetically, the towers actually look like two giant babycorns! My mate Mike, who I'm staying with here in KL, actually works in one of the towers - which is quite funny really, given that he previously had an enormous fear of tall buildings! The towers certainly make for an impressive sight - and there's a 'skybridge' joining the two of them, about halfway up, which is open to the public. I decided to go and check out the skybridge earlier today - and needless to say, the view was amazing. The most entertaining thing though about going up to the skybridge was the fact that it involved going up in the lift and getting off on the 42nd floor! Naturally, it seemed only fitting to mark this by playing a bit of slap bass air guitar in honour of the legendary Mark King from cheesy 80s chart-botherers Level 42... Meanwhile, delve a bit deeper beyond the glass and chrome, and you find that KL is a melting pot of cultures. Wandering around the city week, I stumbled upon an amazing market, selling everything from pirated DVDs to weird and wonderful vegetables that I couldn't possibly name! There's also loads of temples and mosques dotted around - and with Malaysia being a predominantly Muslim country, you hear the 'call to prayer' music wafting through the streets at numerous intervals throughout the day. And there are loads of great places to eat in KL too. There are actually quite a lot of Kenny Rogers chicken restaurants in the city - and yes, that's as in Kenny Rogers the country and western superstar! Naturally, morbid curiosity saw me end up dining one of these places the other day - and while the walls were festooned with various choice LPs from Kenny's back catalogue, I was kinda disappointed by the overall lack of 'Kenniness'. I'd half hoped for a drinks menu featuring cocktails named after the great man's songs - and I'd definitely expected to hear 'Coward of the County' and other such hits blaring over the sound system as I enjoyed my jacket potato. Mind you, I suppose even Kenny himself would concede that there's a need when running a restaurant to actually attract customers - rather than drive them away...! Elsewhere meanwhile, there are also a lot of 'rough and ready' places in KL you can fill your face for a mere six or seven Malaysian ringetts - which is roughly equivalent of a quid! A lot of the time, you actually get given a tray rather than a plate - and the person serving you then just puts a banana leaf onto your tray and ladles your scran straight onto that. Which is pretty cool... So, overall, I'm very much enjoying KL. That said, there are some things about the place that aren't ideal. For starters, a lot of the public toilets don't actually have toilet paper - instead, you just get a sort of hose pipe with which to clean yourself up after you've 'dropped the kids off at the pool'! Now for the Malaysian people who have grown up with this kind of arrangement, I'm sure it's perfectly normal. However, I can tell you from personal experience that if you're a westerner and end up having to use the hose pipe device, you'll invariably spraying water every-bleedin'-where... resulting in you exciting the cubicle looking like you've pissed yourself! Not a good look! Another frustrating thing about KL is the public transport. The city has a rail network that's modern and immaculately clean - and much like the London Underground, there are numerous different lines that criss-cross each other and cover pretty much everywhere. But... each of the lines are actually run by different operators - so if you need to make a journey that involves travelling for a bit down one line, and then hopping off and onto a different train down another line, you have to actually buy separate tickets for each segment of your journey. Needless to say, this can make trips that ought to be simple rather long-winded. However, there are some things in this city that are worth the hassle - one of them being the KL Bird Park. I went along to check this out today - and it was ace! The park has thousands of different types of birds - and with there being loads of parrots, I was in my element! There were loads of other cool birds too, including toucans, hornbills, pelicans, peacocks and ostriches. Pleasingly, lot of them were 'flying free' in a massive aviary that you could actually walk into - as opposed to being cooped up in small enclosures, as is often the case with these sorts of places. The park also does a live show that has some of the parrots doing tricks - including riding bikes and playing basketball! Possibly the funniest moment of my visit though was seeing a monkey sneak into the park, presumably to try and swipe some of the birds' food - only to be chased away by a grumpy ostrich! April 10 So take it easy... cos everybody's got something to hide except for me and my monkey!So, it's now five days that I've been here in Malaysia - and it's been so much fun that I've barely written a word yet on what it's like here! Specifically, I'm in the country's capital, Kuala Lumpur. It's a massive city - and the main reason I'm here is because it's where my good friend Mikey B is now living, along with with wife Nicky and their two sons Jamie and Luke. Mike, for those of you reading who don't know him, is someone who I got to know way back during my years living in Liverpool. And last year, his esteemed employers asked him if he fancied coming out and working in here. It was an opportunity he duly grabbed with both hands - so a visit to 'KL' immediately became a top priority as soon as I started planning my travel adventure. Needless to say, it's been great catching up with Mike, Nicky and the kids over the last few days. And the marble floors and air-conditioning at their plush apartment feel like an utter luxury after some of the dodgy shitholes I've stayed in since I left England! We've also been getting up to some pretty cool stuff since I got here. Indeed, one of the main reasons why I timed my arrival in KL for this last weekend was because the Malaysian Grand Prix happened to be taking place - and so on Sunday afternoon, we duly found ourselves sat in the blazing sun at KL's Sepang Formula One circuit! Now I'm not really much of a fan of motor racing. However, much like when I went along to watch tennis and cricket when I was in Australia, I do enjoy going to watch major sporting events 'live'. And the Grand Prix was definitely an interesting experience - though Mike and me found ourselves cruelly exposed very early on in terms of our collective lack of knowledge of all things Formula One! Shortly after we'd picked a good spot to sit down, you see, the race started - and the competing cars suddenly appeared on the stretch of track that we could see from our vantage point. Naturally, our first reaction was like "Wow, check out the cars!" Very quickly though, this was replaced with "Blimey, they're not going very fast, are they?" It was only when the cars came round a second time - and at much faster speeds - that we realised that their first appearance had actually just been the warm-up lap! Honestly... we felt like a pair of girls at the footy not understanding the offside rule! One thing that can definitely be said for going to the Grand Prix is that the cars are bloody noisy! From where we were sitting, it was a bit like watching Scalextric - only with the added factor of it being as loud as a Napalm Death gig! It was all pretty exciting on the whole - although the fact that we couldn't see the whole track from our vantage point made it difficult to keep on top of who was winning and whatnot. In fact, it was only when we were suddenly able to hear ourselves think again that we realised that the race must've finished. We found out later that the two McClaren cars had taken both first and second places - with the runners-up spot going to 20-year-old British racing prodigy Lewis Hamilton in only his second Grand Prix. In view of the trials and tribulations of the England footy team in recent months, it's nice to know that there's a sport where McClaren isn't a byword for haplessness and mediocrity! So, a really enjoyable day - though in a sick sort of way, I was kind of disappointed that we didn't get to see any crashes! Meanwhile, as if fast cars wasn't enough excitement, the weekend also saw us have an amazing encounter with loads of wild monkeys! This came about through a visit to a place just outside KL called the Batu Caves - which include an enormous cave where loads of monkeys live. Now I'd seen my first ever wild monkeys in Cambodia - which, as you can probably imagine, was a pretty exciting moment! However, in Cambodia there were just two or three monkeys- whereas at the Batu Caves, we're talking dozens upon dozens of the cheeky little rapscallions. And with us having brought a bag of bananas with us to feed them, they were pretty pleased to see us! It was amazing watching the monkeys when you pass them a banana. They peel the things in literally about half a second before filling their faces! Sadly though, we only got to 'hand feed' a couple of the monkeys - due to the fact that one of them sneaked up behind Mike and snatched the whole bag of bananas off him, before scarpering like Billy O! It was pretty funny though - and we still stuck around for ages just watching the monkeys swinging around and generally running amok! While we were there, one of them actually managed to knock a rubbish bin over - and after rummaging through the contents, it found a half-empty water bottle, unscrewed the top, and started drinking out of it! Another one picked up a Coke can and started trying to drink from that! I don't think I could ever get bored with watching monkeys! April 09 And over there there's broken bones, there's only music so that there's new ringtones...A lot of people have asked me what it was that made me decide to embark on my current travel adventure. And needless to say, there were lots of reasons... One of my main inspirations though was Charles Fox - a good friend of mine who I've known since we were at college together when we were 16. Back in the autumn of 2005, the boy Fox announced out of the blue that he was quitting his job - and the next thing anyone knew, he was off on a plane to Bangkok. It came as a bit of a surprise to say the least - however, Charles took to the whole travelling thing like a duck to water. In fact, a year-and-a-half on, he is still at large - and from cycling halfway across New Zealand to nearly getting into a fight with shite rapper 50 Cent, his emails detailing his adventures have provided me with an enormous source of entertainment. Now when it came to planning my own trip, I very much hoped I'd be able to hook up with Charles at some point. Alas though, this was to prove more difficult than I'd thought! In New Zealand for instance, the two of us ended up missing each other by a matter of hours. Still, there's always Cambodia, I thought - as Charles had told me that he'd definitely be heading back to Phnom Penh in early April... as he spent five months in the city last year and loved the place. As such, I deliberately scheduled my own visit to Phnom Penh for early April - and later heard from Charles that he'd be arriving back in the city on my last night there. We duly arranged to meet in the bar at the guest house where I was staying at a particular time - alas though, Charles never showed! This was a real pisser... as I was due to move on to Siem Reap, in northern Cambodia, first thing the next day! Determined though not to miss the boy Fox for the second time, I made the decision to stick around for an extra day to try and track him down - although with neither of us having the luxury of mobile phones that work in Cambodia, and Phnom Penh being quite a big city, I was facing a potentially difficult task. Still, I love a challenge - and I decided I'd take a creative approach by knocking up some wild west-style 'Wanted' posters with a picture of Charles' face on them, and distributing them round the area of the city where I knew he'd be staying! As it was though, such measures proved unnecessary - for the next morning, when I was on my way to an internet cafe to start work on the posters, I suddenly heard a familiar voice shouting me from across the street. Yes, it was the man himself! As it turned out, Charles had been unable to find my guest house the previous night - and due to the mobile phone situation, he'd had no way of being able to contact me! Naturally, I was delighted to see the big fella - and we duly spent a very enjoyable day catching up. One thing that was very entertaining was simply walking down the street with Charles - as having spent five months in Phnom Penh last year, he knows seemingly everyone! It was like hanging out with a celebrity! Meanwhile, amongst many other tales, Charles told me a very amusing yarn about the Cambodian Daily - one of the main newspapers available in Phnom Penh. Though written entirely in English, the reporters on this rag are all Cambodian - so sometimes their use of language can be inadvertently hilarious. And one particular story detailing an assault has apparently gone down in Phnom Penh legend - due to the fact that it described the guy who got beaten up as having been victim of a "violent fisting". Priceless..! Charles and I spent a big chunk of the day sat in a really cool cafe-type place called the Lazy Gecko, where we were amazed to have our empty glasses collected by an enormously charismatic Cambodian girl who couldn't have been any older than about six! Chatting to the owners of the cafe, we discovered that the kid in question is a local lass, who just wandered in one day off the street, and took it upon herself to start helping out! The owner guys let her get on with it - and she's since been turning up most days and apparently loves her 'job'! Bonkers... Now he's back in Phnom Penh, Charles himself is going to be working for the forseeable future in a bar called the Flying Elephant - which is the place where he worked during the time he spent in the city last year. At one point, we'd been hoping we'd both be in Phnom Penh together for long enough to be able to organise an unofficial 'Guilty Pleasures' night at the bar! For those of you who are unfmiliar with it, Guilty Pleasures is an brilliant club night that's held regularly in nitespots all over the UK, where the music played is entirely made up of songs that are kind of embarrassing... but which nevertheless you secretly love. 'Nine to Five' by Dolly Parton, 'Against All Odds' by Phil Collins... you get the picture! Alas though, our plans had to be knocked on the head, owing to the fact that we were only in town at the same time for little more than 24 hours! Shame really, as I'd actually acquired a dog collar - as we'd decided that my role on the night was to be the priest who takes punters' confessions of their musical sins! Still, I left this garment in Charles' possession in case he manages to get the night organised in the future. So if the Guilty Pleasures phenomenon that's swept the UK ends up taking off in Cambodia as well, then I guess I can take part of the credit! It was the Flying Elephant where Charles and I ended up late in the evening - and with it being so hot, we decided to sit outside on the pavement with our drinks. We were quickly upgraded to superior seating though - as one of the local 'tuk tuk' drivers that Charles knows promptly pulled up outside the bar, and asked us if we fancied sitting in his trailer while he took a break. Now there are shedloads of tuk tuks in Phnom Penh... and as a Westerner, you can't walk more than about ten yards anywhere in the city without one of the drivers trying to get you to throw some business their way. This being so, we decided to turn the tables - and so for the next half hour, any locals who had the misfortune to walk down the street had to put up with Charles and me, both pretty pissed by now, shouting "Hey sir - tuk tuk?" at them! Well, it seemed funny at the time..! What was significantly less funny however was being rudely awoken at 6am the next morning by my alarm, after little more than three hours' sleep... and having to face the prospect of a six-hour bus journey to Siem Reap with a raging hangover! Yes, I decided in the end that trying to bag a lift with a lorry driver - my original plan - was just too dodgy! Unsurprisingly, the bus journey was not the most pleasant of experiences - the lowest point having been when the bus driver made an unscheduled toilet stop by the side of the road, to appease a good number of passengers who had made it clear that they were dying for the loo. It was by no means an ideal spot - however, there were a few bushes in a field just by the road that would at least afford a bit of privacy. Or so we'd thought! Yes, it was only as people were getting off the bus that our driver broke the news that we were strictly forbidden from doing what we needed to do any further than a metre from the bus - as the area we'd stopped in was a notorious hotspot for landmines! Fortunately, my bladder was still holding up at this point... and with us being only about an hour from Siem Reap, I elected to stay on the bus and tough it out! Inadvertently though, I happened to take a cursory glance out of the window - and duly caught an unwanted glimpse of 'Big Dave' the Geordie, brazenly squatting by the side of the bus with his grundies round his ankles, pooing like a dog! It is honestly one of the most harrowing things I have ever had the misfortune to clap my eyes on! Needless to say, I was pretty relieved when we finally arrived in Siem Reap - where I was greeted by a motorbike taxi driver, holding up a sign saying 'WELCOME RICH FISHER'! This all came about through me having pre-booked a night's accomodation at a guest house in the city... on the condition that someone would come and collect me from the bus station when I arrived! So within seconds of getting off the bus, I was buzzing through the streets towards the guest house! And within seconds of checking in, I was off out again to check out Siem Reap's main attraction - namely, the temples of Ankar. Time at this stage was precious, you see - for having stayed an extra day in Phnom Penh,. I was left with only one afternoon to go and check out the temples, before having to head to the airport the next morning to get a flight to my next destination - Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia. Now a lot of people would say that just one afternoon is nowhere near enough time for Ankar - as the place has over a hundred temples, all dotted across a picturesque woodland area. But in hindsight, this relatively short amount of time suited me just fine. Yes, a lot of the temples - some of which date back as far as the ninth century - are absolutely spectacular. Personally though, I find it only takes me a few hours before I get 'temple fatigue', where they all start to look the same! And as such, I felt I'd seen enough by the end of the afternoon. The few temples I did go and see were amazing though. Basically, I'd decided that the best way to see them was to hire a motorbike taxi for the afternoon, and get the driver to take me to what were, in his opinion, the best ones. You can actually travel from temple to temple by elephant! Alas though, this was quite expensive - whereas my motorbike taxi cost equivalent of about a fiver! Unsurprisingly, the highlight proved to be the most famous of all the temples - Ankar Wat... which is absolutely enormous. There was one scary moment though when, walking through the grounds, I felt something brush against my shoulder - which turned out to be a coconut falling out of a coconut tree! Now I've read that the number of people killed each year by falling coconuts is surprising high. Yes, it would be quite a funny way to die I suppose - but in balance, it's a statistic that I'm glad to have narrowly avoided being part of! So that was the temples of Ankar... and that was pretty much the end of my time in Cambodia. Well, I did go for a bit of a mooch around downtown Siem Reap that evening - howeer, I quickly retreated back to my guest house upon discovering how sleazy it was. Pretty much the entire high street is lined with incredibly dodgy-looking 'rub and tug'-style massage parlours... and I was extremely disturbed to be accosted on several occasions by shifty-looking men who inferred that they could easily find me a "young boy" or "young girl" if I wanted one. It is of course well known that Gary Glitter fled to Cambodia a few years ago after being released from prison - so this sort of thing perhaps shouldn't have shocked me so much. The thought of innocent kids being exploited though just makes me feel incredibly angry. So, a low note on which to finish my stay in Cambodia - which was a shame, as I'd generally really enjoyed my time in the place. I guess these things are a sad reminder that, in a lot of ways, it's just a very sick world in which we live... April 06 Click click click click, click himself under...Howdy folks - a big Happy Easter to you all!
Not that you'd know it's Easter where I am at the moment - as I'm writing this from Malaysia... and with it being a predominantly Muslim country, no-one really gives a rat's ass here about the rebirth of Jesus and all that guff!
I'll write a proper update soon covering what I've been up to in the last few days. In the meantime though, I just wanted to tip you all the wink that I've managed to add a load more photos to this site, covering my time in New Zealand, Singapore, Vietnam and Cambodia.
I've also uploaded a video to YouTube that that I filmed from the back of a motorbike whilst buzzing through the streets of Hanoi in Vietnam, which will hopefully give you all a feel for the chaos of the place!
You can view this by clicking here.
Enjoy..! April 03 Mercy snakes alive! It looks like we got us a convoy!So, I've been in the Cambodian capital of Phnom Penh for five days now - and I must say, I'm really liking it here! I've certainly picked an interesting time to be in Cambodia, as the country is currently in the middle of its general election. There's certainly quite a buzz about the place - with most people seemingly backing a geeky looking dude with specs as their preferred candidate, judging by the number of placards plastered everywhere bearing the guy's grinning face. I think the main reason why I'm loving Phnom Penh so much though is simply because it's proven to be a perfect place to come after Vietnam. Don't get me wrong, I really loved it in 'Nam - however, it was a bit 'full-on'. Here in Cambodia on the other hand, it's nowhere near as crowded... and ridiculously relaxed! In terms of Phnom Penh itself, it's certainly a distinctive-looking place, with its curious mishmash of French architecture from colonial times, and ornate temples. There's also a really pretty riverside area - and just wandering the streets here seldom fails to be interesting or entertaining in some way. Just some of the observations that have struck me as I've wandered around are the large number of Buddhist monks there are here - most of whom you see wandering around barefoot in distinctive orange robes. And most of the cops here brandish an instrument that bears an uncanny resemblence to Star Wars light sabres! There are also numerous bustling markets that take place, seemingly daily, throughout the city. At each of them, you get loads of stores sellling empty Coke and Pepsi bottles that have been filled with an unidentified yellow liquid - which is apparently a reputedly lethal Cambodian moonshine! As for the area where I'm staying, it's a little haven just a mile or so from the city centre. Right on the edge of a spectacular lake, it's a labyrinth of narrow streets and alleyways, lined by clusters of guest houses, bars, restaurants and shops. At a lot of the bars and restaurants, you're expected to do as the locals do by taking your shoes off as you enter - which is cool by me, as I quite enjoy wandering around barefoot. I think I'm a bit of a flower-child at heart. I have discovered one snag though with the 'shoes off' custom - namely, having to actually remember to collect them, when you finally stagger out of the bar you've been sat in for the last seven hours! Happily, I'm pleased to report that the friendly staff at the 'Magic Sponge' bar had kept my flip-flops safe for me, when I turned up the next day and sheepishly asked if they'd seen them! Meanwhile, there's also a lot of residential dwellings in the area where I'm staying too - and the streets are always fullof Camodian kids playing out in the sun. And talking of the sun, it's incredibly warm here. When I've not been out and about exploring, I've been loving just chilling out on the verandah at the back of my guest house... usually lying in a hammock and enjoying a cold drink and the view of the lake! It's certainly a cool place to be, my guest house - not least because of the staff. All native Camodians, most of them seem to live at the guest house themselves - so when not working, a lot of them tend to come and hang out on the verandah and chat away with you. Sometimes they can be a bit 'in your face'... but generally they're all really friendly and funny, and mostly speak great English. The friendliness of the locals here has certainly made the 'touristy' side of my visit here much more informal. In other places where I've spent time during my travels thus far, I've often gone for the 'easy option' on occasions when I've wanted to check out attractions that are a fair distance away - namely, by booking myself onto an organised coach tour. Here though, it's been a different story. When I went to see the Killing Fields and the S21 concenration camp, I simply paid one of the locals some cash to chauffer me there on the back of his motorbike! I much prefer giving money to 'ordinary people' here rather than the fatcat tour operators - as Cambodia, sadly, is a pretty poor country. There are certainly lots of beggars. That said, despite widespread poverty, one characteristic of the Cambodians that I've noticed is how much pride they take in their appearance. Though most of the folk here barely have a pot to piss in in terms of wealth, they are always immaculately groomed and turned out. To be honest, they make me feel like a right scruffy bastard! As with most poor countries, the cost of living in Cambodia is incredibly cheap compared to western standards. You can easily get a good meal here, with a drink, for just a couple of US dollars. Yes, although Cambodia does have its own currency - the Riel - the dollar is king here even more than in Vietnam. The food here is good too, with the pizzas particularly interesting. Indeed, if the laid-back atmosphere of the city hasn't already caused you to slump into a near-stupor, then most restaurants - for an extra dollar - will upgrade your choice of pizza to a 'happy pizza'! This involves them adding certain herbs that will guarantee you a highly relaxed state once you've finished eating! The drug laws here certainly seem very relaxed - non-existent even! Yesterday when I wandered into a cafe for breakfast, I got chatting to a bloke who openly started smoking opium through a bong! And like the pizzas, another thing about Phnom Penh that's great if you're not feeling quite relaxed enough is the wide availability of massages. As a lot of you will know, I'm a massive believer in the power of complementary therapies - something I first experienced when my mum first began training as a therapist and started using me as a 'guinea pig' to practice new techniques on. Up until I left England to start my travels, I always tried to fit in a massage at least a couple of times a month. Here meanwhile, I've already had two full one-hour body massages in just five days! Hell, it only costs equivalent of about two quid... so why not?! Plus, by going to the place where I've been going the massages, I'm supporting a wortshy cause - as the place is run by a charitable organisation... and the therapists employed are all actually blind. A really cool idea, I think - as I dare say it'd be otherwise incredibly difficult for blind people here to make any kind of living. So all in all, Phnom Penh has been great - however, the time has sadly come for me to move on. Yes, tomorrow I shall be moving on to the north of Cambodia - specifically the city of Siem Reap, which happens to have some of the most jaw-droppingly spectacular temples that this planet has to offer. In the interests of keeping things spontaneous though, I still have no idea how I'm getting there! One thing I've heard is that, if you go down to a particular part of the city centre first thing in the morning, it's quite easy to bag a lift to Siem Reap with one of the dozens of lorry drivers who have to make the trip daily! Apparently you just bung them a couple of dollars for the privilege, and it's basically their way of boosting their meagre wage. So it could be truckin' Cambodian style - watch this space! In the meantime, a big Ten-Four to you all. Arf..! April 02 You call Glastonbury 'Glasto'. You'd like to go there some day. Once they've put up the gun towers. To keep the hippies away...So, here we are into April. It's incredible how quickly 2007 seems to be hurtling past. For me, the scariest thing about the arrival of April is the fact that I now officially have to start referring to my return to the UK in terms of it being 'next month'. Granted, I don't head home until right at the end of May - so I actually still have the best part of two months in front of me to enjoy further travel-based shenanigans. However, I'm sure the weeks ahead will fly past - and before I know it, I'll be at the airport in Moscow awaiting my flight back to Heathrow. It's quite sad really - there was a time, during those first few weeks in Australia, when going home seemed a million light years away. I guess all good things have to come to an end though. And whilst thoughts are starting to creep into my head about some of the less attractive things about returning home - such as having to find some kind of work to keep me in money over the summer - I do also have a lot to look forward to. As well as catching up with family, friends and pet parrot, I have several weddings to go to during the first few weeks. And today, I was officially able to add another thing to the list - namely Glastonbury! 140,000 tickets for the greatest festival known to man went on sale yesterday, and apparently sold out in little more than two hours. With being in Cambodia, it was always going to be difficult for me to find a good enough web connection to be able to join the scramble to get one for myself. Happily though, my mate James kindly volunteered to sort out my ticket for me - and I've just had conformation from him that he was successful... meaning that, come late June, I'll be making my eighth pilgrimage to Worthy Farm! So a big thanks to James I guess! I still have no idea how I'm getting down to Glasto... or indeed who I'll be travelling down with and camping with. All depends I suppose on who else out of my usual festival buddies managed to get tickets. I'm determined to make sure this year's Glasto is a good one though - because given my aspirations of going into teaching, it may well be my last chance to enjoy the full five-day Wednesday-to-Sunday bender! Let's just hope the ubiquitous James fucking Blunt isn't bloody playing..! April 01 See I reckon you're about an eight or a nine. Maybe nine-and-a-half in four beers' time. That blue Top Shop top you've got on is nice. Bit too much fake tan - but yeah, you score high...It's funny what perceptions people have of different places. Take Cambodia for instance, where I am right now.
When I told people from 'back home' that I was planning on coming here, often the reaction would be "But Cambodia... isn't it dangerous there?"
Now I'm pleased to say that the answer to that question would be "No."
So stop panicking, some of you!
In all fairness though, it has only been the last ten years or so that the country has been safe for tourists. Previously, it was a veritable melting pot of lawlessness... with bandits running amok and terrorising people left, right and centre, and the countryside riddled with land mines.
Happily, the current Government here now seem to have gotten things under control.
That said, there are still lots of stark reminders here in Phnom Penh of troubled times in Cambodia's recent past.
One part of history that still casts a long shadow over the country is the Khmer Rouge regime of the 1970s. Led by Pol Pot, this saw millions of people tortured and killed in some unthinkably barbaric ways, some of them for having committed no greater 'crime' than wearing glasses.
Phnom Penh was pretty much the focal point for these atrocities - and so yesterday, I decided to go and visit a couple of the places associated with the Khmer Rouge regime.
The first place was S21 - a building in the city which actually started life as a school, but which was closed down by the Khmer Rouge leaders and turned into a concentration camp. Needless to say, it's an incredibly unsettling place... with much of it, including the cells, having been left exactly the same as it was when it was in use in the 1970s.
Possibly the creepiest thing about S21 was learning that children as young as ten used to be forced to work as guards. That and the fact that Khmer Rouge used to systematically take photographs of all the prisoners admitted. If you visit the place now, these mug shots are all on display - and needless to say, seeing the thousands of blank expressions of these terrified people who almost certainly would have known what kind of fate awaited them made for an utterly haunting experience.
Next stop after S21 was 'The Killing Fields', situated about ten miles out of the city. It was here, sometime after the Khmer Rouge were overthrown in 1980, that numerous mass graves were discovered, containing bodies of nearly 10,000 victims of Pol Pot's regime.
One of the strangest things about the Killing Fields was how disarming the overall setting was. You'd expect it to be all stark and eerie - but it just wasn't at all. At a glance in fact, the place just looks like a beautiful sunkissed meadow, with birds singing in the trees.
Look a bit closer though and, like S21, it's a deeply sobering place to visit... with there still being piles of human bones scatterered around the site, along with ragged remains of victims' clothing.
On the whole, S21 and the Killing Fields made for an incredibly solemn day.
I must say, I always have my reservations about going to see these sorts of places - as you do feel like a total 'rubbernecker'. At the same time though, I do feel it's important to have an appreciation and understanding of the utter horrors that human beings have inflicted over history on their fellow men, women and children.
We can only hope that nothing like the Khmer Rouge regime ever happens again... |
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