So, here I am in Phnom Penh, the capital city of Cambodia!

I arrived yesterday evening after a six-hour bus ride from Saigon... which cost equivalent of just six quid!

It was quite an interesting journey, not least the point where we had to cross the Vietnam-Cambodia border. Here, the border guards made us go through the rather pointless ritual of getting off the bus and walking the few metres over the border on foot... before letting us get back on board again!

Bizarre...

One thing that quickly became apparent as we pushed on into Cambodia is that the traffic here is nowhere near as bad as it is in Vietnam. That said, you do get loads of minibuses travelling along with sometimes as many as 20 people sat on the roof!

And the roads themselves are pretty poor. In a lot of places, they're little more than dirt tracks, and only wide enough in some places for one vehicle.

Needless to say, progress to Phnom Penh seemed slow. I can't say I was too bothered though, as the countryside was interesting to look at. It was all very green, with miles upon miles of small villages consisting largely of straw huts and basic wooden shack-style houss - a lot of them on stilts.

We also saw loads of ornate temples, while the people generally seemed to be busy working away in the fields, tending to crops and cattle. It all seemed very peaceful - indeed, it was hard to believe really that we were in a country that has had such a troubled recent past.

Eventually we rolled up into the city, which is quite distinctive in its look and feel. With Camdodia having previously been a French colony, there's a definite Parisian feel about the place - with loads of long, straight boulevards.

When our coach finally reached the bus station in the late afternoon, the next task was to find somewhere to stay.

By this time, I'd teamed up with the lovely Sarah, a 23-year-old Scottish lass who I'd gotten chatting to during the journey... who had impressed me no end by casually informing me that she knew one of the members of Scottish indie legends Belle and Sebastian!

Having both done our homework on 'places to go' in Phnom Penh, we decided to head to Boeng Kak - a huge lake just outside the city centre, which is where most of the city's cheap guest houses are located.

And getting transport the lake wasn't difficult - because as soon as we stepped off the bus, Sarah and me found ourselves besieged by about a million 'tuk tuk' drivers!

'The 'tuk tuk', for those not in the know, is basically a motorbike with a trailer - and we duly blagged a free lift in one of them to the lake!

The 'deal' here was that our driver would drop us off at a particular guest house... and then if we liked the look of it and elected to stay there, he'd get commission from them.

As it turned out, the guest house in question was a really cool place, in a shambolic sort of way - essentially a higgledy-piggledy collection of tin shacks built on a wooden verandah right on the edge of the lake.

Importantly, it also had its own outdoor bar-cum-restaurant, enabling guests to lie in hammocks and enjoy stunning views of the lake!

The staff were also ridiculously friendly, and the place was cheap as chips too - charging just five US dollars per night for a room.

Needless to say, we quickly elected to check in! In fact, we'd dumped our bags in our room and were sat on the verandah enjoying cold beers less than ten minutes after having stepped off the bus!

Surely some kind of record?!

Sarah and me proceeded to spend a very enjoyable evening in which we watched the sunset from the verandah and then proceeded to get ridiculously pissed on cheap vodka!

So, a good start to the Cambodian adventure! I've got a feeling I'm going to like it here..!

Well, they say you should be careful what you wish for – and this is an old saying well and truly borne out by my arrival here in Saigon… or Ho Chi Minh City, as the place is also known.

Let me explain…

Now as regular readers of my witterings will know, I had a fantastic time up in Hanoi. However, one thing I often found myself lamenting while I was there was the fact that the weather wasn’t brilliant.

Sure, it was far from freezing. But there wasn’t much sun… and quite a bit of rain.

Down here in Saigon though, we’re getting on for being 1,000 miles nearer the equator.

And don’t I just know it – cos it’s bloody boiling!

And it’s not just ‘hot hot’ either. It’s also really humid – so much so, that having a shower seems almost futile… as you just know you’ll be a sweaty mess again within a matter of minutes.

Now I’m usually the last person to be complaining about this sort of thing. However, places where I’ve been before where the weather’s like this have always been by the sea – and so you always have the option of being able to dive into the water and cool off.

Saigon, however, is bloody miles from the sea. So I’ve been having to literally sweat it out here…

Still, ming factor aside, what have I made of Saigon?

Well like Hanoi, there’s more motorbikes here than a Meat Loaf wet dream. And again, most of their drivers seem to have only a tenuous grasp as to which side of the road they ought to be driving on! 

Generally though, Saigon just doesn’t have the same charm as Hanoi. I was sort of hoping that wandering the streets here would be a bit like being in the middle of n all-singing, all-dancing production of ‘Miss Saigon’! Far from it though – it’s simply a much bigger, blander and more ‘westernised’ version of Hanoi – with lots of skyscrapers and even several KFC restaurants here.

As a tourist, you also seem to get much more hassle here than you do in Hanoi. Whenever I’ve been wandering round the city, I’ve been accosted literally every ten yards by someone trying to get me to take a lift in their rickshaw or on their motorbike.

Now I actually love wandering around unfamiliar places on foot – yet with the motorbike being central to the Vietnamese way of life, the motorbike dudes just don’t seem to be able to comprehend this!

And their constant pestering is starting to get on my tits a bit…

On a brighter note, I have discovered a new favourite drink whilst here, which has knocked even the hallowed avocado smoothie off its pedastal! Yes, coconut juice – which is basically a coconut with a hole drilled in the top, which you then suck the juice from with a straw. Absolutely delicious…

Meanwhile, the spectre of the Vietnam war hangs much heavier over Saigon than it does Hanoi. Wander over to the Saigon River, and there are still disused anti-aircraft guns dotted across the banks. And the city’s War Remnants Museum is a truly sobering place - which really brings home the sheer horror of not just the Vietnam War, but of any war.

As well as tanks and planes, exhibits at the museum include jars containing stillborn babies that whose bodies are hideously deformed as a result of American napalm attacks. 

This morning, I also went on a bus trip some 50 miles out of the city to a part of the jungle where a great deal of fighting took place during the Vietnam War. 

The biggest attraction on this trip was a chance to have a look at a section of the Co Chi Tunnels – a sophisticated labyrinth of underground corridors dug beneath the jungle by the Vietnamese guerrilla soldiers, which they used to evade their American attackers.

The tunnels were actually a major thorn in the side for the Americans during the war; and despite constant attempts, they failed repeatedly to destroy them. Amazingly, some of the corridors measure just 60cm by 60cm – and all in all, there’s around 150 miles of interlinked passages, some of them up to ten metres under ground. Those of us on the trip got the opportunity to check out a 90-metre section, starting with a vertical drop at ground level –  though we were only allowed to go down if our guide was sufficiently convinced that we had a waist size of no more the 34 inches!

This made me wonder whether any hapless tourists have ever actually ended up getting stuck in the tunnels! Happily, I was deemed sufficiently slender to be given the nod – and whilst an interesting experience, the two-minute crawl was a deeply claustrophobic and sweaty experience. It’s amazing to think really that, at one point, 16,000 Vietnamese soldiers were pretty much living permanently in the tunnels, sometimes not emerging into the light for weeks at a time.

Other stuff that we got to see in the jungle included the shell of an American tank destroyed by a land mine, a giant bomb crater, and some examples of ‘booby traps’ that the Vietnamese used to fill the jungle with to try and thwart the GIs. Indeed, it’s amazing really, given that the Americans were busy unleashing chemical warefare, the Vietnamese were still using such relatively primitive methods as covered pits lined with bamboo spears.

Meanwhile, the trip also saw me get the chance to blast a round of bullets from a huge machine gun that was actually used in the war!

Now I must say, with my visit to the War Remnants Museum the previous day having given me a stark reminder of the horrors that can be wreaked by the machines of war, it all felt slightly crass as I lined up behind the gun ready to take my turn.

But in the end, I just thought “Fuck it” – after all, whether or not we like to admit it, there’s a bit of Action Man in us all. And the thing certainly made a satisfying racket as I pumped my ten bullets in the vague direction of the targets set up in the distance!

All in all though, after just a couple of days, I feel like I’ve had my fill of Saigon – and as such, I’ve decided to move on tomorrow. Specifically, I’ll be getting a bus across the border into Cambodia… which spells the end of my time here in Vietnam.

And though Saigon hasn’t really rocked my world as much as Hanoi did, I am sad in a lot of ways to be leaving. I’ve found Vietnam to be an amazing country… mainly because of the people.

Though, as I said earlier, I’ve felt a bit harassed in Saigon, the people in this country have generally demonstrated incredible spirit and warmth… and it’s been fascinating to get a little glimpse into their lives.

They’re an incredibly close-knit bunch, the Vietnamese – indeed, it’s not uncommon to see two male friends here walking down the street hand-in-hand. Can’t quite see that catching on in the UK somehow, given that most British blokes won’t even admit to liking the Scissor Sisters out of fear that “people might think ahm fookin’ gay or summat!

Oh, and one thing I’ve never mentioned before is the fact that the Vietnamese are obessed with English football!

The grub here is great too – not least some of the ‘street food’.  Probably the nicest thing I’ve eaten while I’ve been here was an omlette, which an old lady cooked for me practically in the gutter on a tiny gas stove.

That said, Vietnam certainly isn’t without its faults. For one, the pollution here is absolutely horrendous. As someone who suffers from mild asthma, I usually find myself needing to use my Ventolin inhaler once every couple of months. Yet here, I’ve been chugging on it probably more than Pete Doherty takes hits on his crack pipe!

The air quality in Hanoi was particularly bad. Throughout my time there, the city seemed to be shrouded in a permanent haze – and I couldn’t tell if this was actual mist, or just smog!

Though to be fair, it definitely added to the atmosphere of the city!

In terms of other faults meanwhile, under the Communist regime here in Vietnam there’s no such thing as democracy or a free press – yes, the Government actually controls what goes in all the newspapers. And by all accounts, this is just about as corrupt a place as there is on earth.

Oh, and the Vietnamese are known to eat dogs too! And the regular power cuts can get kind of annoying as well – as they always seem to bloody happen when you’re in the middle of typing a long blog entry..!

 Still, if you can handle all these things – and the constant swarm of motorbikes! - I would heartily recommend a visit to Vietnam. I’d try and get here sooner rather than later though, as the place is becoming ‘westernised’ at a rapid rate - and I dare say the characteristics that made Hanoi so special to me will probably disappear in time as more skyscrapers are built, and McDonalds restaurants start to appear. I only hope that, in the face of increasing investment in the country, it won’t be a case of the rich becoming richer and the poor becoming poorer…

Well, I’ve never been one to let grass grow under my feet for too long – and so after nearly two weeks, I bade farewell on Monday to Hanoi, in order to make the long journey south to the city of Saigon.  

I must say, I was sad to leave Hanoi, as I truly did love the place – so much so that my stay in the city ended up being much longer than the three or four days than I’d initially planned.

Hanoi is  quite simply a fascinating place. I think I could quite happily spend the rest of my life there, simply wandering the narrow streets and just observing all the chaos and day-to-day-goings on.

Here’s just a few of the more random things I saw in the city’s streets that I haven’t mentioned already in previous updates…

-  -       Two dogs merrily humping in the middle of a busy road, seemingly oblivious to the millions of motorbikes whizzing past them!

- -         A man speeding along on a motorbike and nonchalantly eating a bowl of soup at the same time!

-- Vietnamese people, on more occasions than I care to remember, zooming straight through the front door of their houses on their motorbikes, and then casually parking it in the middle of their front room!

A 'Bia Hoi' place where the owner's seven-year-old daughter brought you your beer!

- -        A woman walking along with an enormous basket of fruit balanced on her head, whilst simultaneously sending a text message!

As well as being a fascinating place, I also had a great time in Hanoi hanging out with Kate, my friend from Nottingham who’s living in the city. Amongst lots of hilarity, one incident that will stick long in the memory was last Sunday evening, when Kate and me were sat in her house both craving curry as a means of staving off raging hangovers. Unfortunately though, both of us felt too ropey to set foot outside the house… and neither of us were able to phone for food, due to having zilch credit on our respective phones.

What to do?

Well, initiative came to the fore – and we duly emailed one of Kate’s friends, who lives two hours away from Hanoi, and asked him to ring a takeaway for us and get them to deliver us some food! It would’ve been a stroke of genius if this plan had worked – alas though, several hours passed and no curry was forthcoming.  

In the end, it was left to me to fashion something resembling a curry out of the meagre contents of Kate’s fridge – although the chronic lack of utensils available meant that I had to rinse the rice through a pair of Kate’s tights!

You probably had to be there really..!

Anyway – much of my last few days in Hanoi were spent trying to cram in some of the ‘touristy’ things that I’d not gotten round to checking out. This included a shuftie at the Red River, which offers an oasis of calm amidst the chaos of the city… although I’m not sure where the name came from, as to me the water looked even browner than the Trent!

One big disappointment meanwhile was the mausoleum of Ho Chi Minh, the late founder of the Vietnamese Communist Party. Now ‘Uncle Ho’ (as he is universally known here, amusingly) is something of a national hero in Vietnam, on account of him having liberated the country from French colonial rule. I must say, I felt a bit of a necrophiliac as I set off on Monday morning to go and see his embalmed body - however, after walking for nearly an hour through city streets, I arrived to find that the mausoleum is closed on Mondays!

I couldn’t believe it! I mean, why does a bloody corpse need a day off?! Honestly..!

So what of the trip down to Saigon then?

Well it’s a fair old distance from Hanoi to get here – over 1,000 miles. As such, the sane option would’ve been to fly!

However, sensing adventure, I decided to go by train – a journey of a mere 31 hours, which would involve me leaving Hanoi at 1pm, and then arriving in Saigon at 8pm the following night!

Now with the prospect of spending a whole night on the train, I decided the sensible option would be to book a ‘sleeper’ ticket. This involved me sharing a six-berth cabin, with three bunks on each side – top, middle and bottom.

Now within the pricing system for rail travel in Vietnam, the higher the bunk you have, the cheaper your ticket. As such, I decided to save myself a few thousand Dong by booking a ‘top bunk’. BIG mistake!

With no ladder or seemingly any helpful footholds, it turned on that actually reaching the top bunk involved a feat of deft acrobatics frankly beyond a graceless individual like me!

Naturally, this completely scuppered my plan of skulling a bottle of cheap Vietnamese vodka to help make the journey go quicker – as given the difficulty in getting to my bunk, I figured that it’d be a nightmare having to keep to-ing and fro-ing to the bogs after reaching that inevitable point in any drinking session they call ‘the breaking of the seal’!

Though saying that, had I known what the toilets on the train were going to be like, I’d probably have abandoned my vodka plan anyway.

So, there I lie as the train set off, feeling kinda trapped in my bunk! I wasn’t even able to sit up, as there was only about two feet of space between the bottom of my bunk and the roof of the train! And the ‘mattress’ I thought I’d be getting turned out to be just a piece of crappy carpet!

All in all, it felt like a combination of being in a coffin and in prison! And as for trying to get to sleep – well, there were about three occasions when I drifted off... only to wake up and check my watch, and find that I’d only actually been in the land of nod for about 15 minutes!

Having said all this, the journey wasn’t an entirely lamentable experience. It was certainly interesting being pretty much the only non-Vietnamese person on the whole train – and though he spoke no English, the bloke in the bunk opposite me kept grinning at me inanely and offering me peanuts, which was pretty cool!

It was also interesting watching the Vietnamese countryside drift past. Unlike the UK, most of the railways here aren’t ‘fenced’… and so you’d often see people working away in the paddy fields literally right next to the track, with none of them batting an eyelid as the train thundered past just inches away.

I can categorically state though that paddy fields quickly start to get boring after a few hours!

And to add insult to injury, much of the journey involved endurance of some of the most atrocious ‘lift music’ I’ve ever heard, which was piped into the cabin presumably in the misguided belief that my fellow passengers and I would find it in some way pleasant!

Now as a tourist, you actually get charged higher prices for rail travel in Vietnam than Vietnamese people. And when I bought my ticket for this trip at Hanoi station, I’d noticed accordingly that it had been stamped with the word ‘Foreigner’.

I’d duly amused myself with the idle thought that maybe each carriage on the train  had a different musical theme – and that through having been allocated a berth in ‘Foreigner’, I’d be forced to spend the entire 31-hour trip suffering ‘I Want to Know What Love Is’, ‘Cold As Ice’, and other soft rock shite.

I can honestly say though that this would have actually been preferable to the actual reality – which, among other atrocities, involved a pan-pipe interpretation of The Beatles’ ‘And I Love Her’!

Thank fuck for the invention of the iPod, and its ability to drown out the sound of the outside world… that’s all I can say!

And thank fuck for Saigon, too, I thought, when the place finally loomed into view… seemingly weeks after we set off from Hanoi! I arrived to find the city in darkness, and duly jumped in a rickshaw and got the driver to take me to the part of town where all the cheap hotels are.

I duly checked into a place offering en-suite rooms for equivalent of three quid a night. And I must say, after having gotten used to the luxury of Kate’s plush pad in Hanoi, it was a bit of a shock to return to the world of ‘budget accomodation’. The word ‘shithole’ doesn’t come close!

Still, all it is is a bed for the night. And on that note, it’s time to catch up on sleep, methinks..!

  Well, it’s Sunday morning, and I’d been hoping to have a lie-in. Instead though, I was bloody woken up by a Vietnamese woman thwacking seven bells out of a cow bell in the street outside!

It’s the rubbish collectors who do this when they come round with their carts. It’s basically their way of letting everyone know they’re here, so people can pop out of their houses and chuck any trash that they have into the cart.

A simple but clever system, it has to be said – but not early on a Goddamn Sunday!

Still, this rude awakening aside, the last few days have been pretty good – not least in that I’ve been on a trip out of Hanoi to the coast!

Now having been born and bred in Nottingham, I basically spent my childhood in a city that is probably the furthest place in any direction in the UK from any sea. You have to drive at least two hours in any direction to get even a whiff of the coast – and then when you got there, it’s fucking Skegness half of the bloody time!

Joking aside though, an interesting by-product of this geographic circumstance is that we Nottingham folk tend to get quite excited, even as fully-grown adults, whenever we get to see the sea.

So needless to say, I was pretty giddy on Friday morning as I departed early from Hanoi on an organised tour to Halong Bay – a World Heritage Site that’s renowned as being one of the most picturesque places in the world.

The trip to Halong was a three-hour bus journey – and on arriving at the bustling harbour around lunchtime, we were ushered onto a ‘junk’, which is a traditional Vietnamese boat.

We then enjoyed lunch on board as the boat set off – and as we got further and further into the bay, it became immediately apparent that it is fully deserving of its World Heritage status.

The place is mind-bendingly beautiful. It’s basically miles upon miles of limestone rock formations jutting out of emerald green waters.

And the water was ridiculously calm – so much so that it felt more like being on a lake than in the sea.

It was all incredibly tranquil, with the only interruption to the sense of solitude being flying fish making the occasional leap out of the water!

So, a great place. And just generally being on the boat was pretty cool too. I spent most of the day just lazing on the top deck enjoying the scenery, and chatting away to the other folk on the trip – some of whom were really cool people. There was also a ‘ship’s cat’, which was ridiculously cute and playful, and seemed to be very much in its element being lavished with attention by all the passengers.

As well as simply cruising round the bay, there were also a few activities during the day. At one point, we were given the opportunity to get into a tiny motorboat, which then took you to have a closer look at some of the nooks and crannies in the rocks that our ‘main’ boat wasn’t able to get to because of its size.

This was cool, although the motorboat itself was blatantly an absolute deathtrap! I’m sure it was only designed for a couple of people – yet when I went on it, there were 20 of us crammed onto it!

We also got to have a swim in the sea at one point, which was pretty cool. Meanwhile, there was a constant source of entertainment throughout the day in the shape of the Vietnamese hawkers, who kept turning up in rowing boats, trying to sell us everything from vodka to fake pearl necklaces. Amazingly, a lot of these people actually live in the middle of the bay, in wooden huts built on floating platforms. It was amazing to see – one of the huts even had a Sky dish!

Come nightfall, the crew on our boat dropped anchor in the middle of the bay – as part of the ‘deal’ with the tour was that we’d get to spend the night on the boat!

This first involved dinner – and for a group of about eight of us, this descended into an enormous piss-up on the top deck!

Brilliantly, one of the group – a dude called Toby from Germany – had brought an acoustic guitar with him. And it turned out that Toby and me had remarkably similar tastes in music – so naturally, we immediately decided to form a band, with him on guitar and me on vocals!

We duly entertained the rest of the group with dubious renditions of classic tunes ranging from ‘Yellow Submarine’ by The Beatles to ‘Wish You Were Here’ by Pink Floyd!

Sadly though, like all the great bands in musical history, we ended up splitting up due to that old chestnut of ‘musical differences’. Specifically, Toby was keen to play an ironic version of ‘Venus’ by Bananarama – though our valiant attempt quickly died on its arse due to me not knowing any of the words beyond the chorus!

Another bizarre thing that happened during the evening meanwhile was when a Vietnamese dude decided to board our boat - having appeared, seemingly from nowhere, in a motorboat!

Initially, we were like “Shit, it’s a pirate!” – as you do actually get modern-day pirates in some parts of South-East Asia, who basically board other boats and rob them!

Happily though, the guy was harmless – he spoke no English, but was seemingly just curious as to what all the revelry on our boat was about!

So, a fun night. The sleeping arrangements on the boat were twin-berth cabins – which meant the group had to ‘pair off’. Naturally, I’m far too coy and discreet to confirm or deny whether I ended up sharing a cabin with a stunning 21-year-Swedish girl called Kerin – or indeed whether this subsequently led to me acquiring my  ‘Scandanavian wings’..!

Whatever happened, there was a very abrupt awakening in the morning via crazed shouting in German! Basically, the cabins didn’t have any lights in them – and groping in the dark in his cabin to find his socks, Toby had somehow managed to set off a fire extinguisher!

The morning saw us do some more cruising round the bay, before docking and then getting the bus back to Hanoi. The journey back was a bit of a farce though – as rather than taking us back on a chartered bus, as was the case with the outbound journey, the organisers simply handed us tickets for the public transport bus, and then dumped us at the bus station!

This resulted in us having to wait for bloody ages – as rather than leaving on the dot at five past the hour or whatever, a lot of the buses here only actually depart when they’re full!

So potentially we could’ve ended up stranded there for days!

Still, the whole trip, including food, had only cost equivalent of about £15 – so it was very much a case of ‘you get what you pay for’. And the whole scenario was pretty funny..!

* The term ‘die-hard Everton fan’ is in reference to Mike’s curious habit of attending Goodison Park in fancy dress as Hollywood tough guy Bruce Willis.

  So, I’ve been in Hanoi for five days now – and every time I stick my hand in my pocket to buy something, it serves as a cruel reminder of what was undoubtedly one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.  

Now those of you who have known me for more than six years will probably know exactly what I am referring to!

If any more recently-acquired friends and acquaintances are reading this though – well, imagine me in a situation where I’m part of a group of about ten other people, all of us stood in a semi-circle facing a sour-faced, cantankerous dwarf who appears to have overdone the botox a bit

“Rich – what is the currency of Vietnam?” the dwarf barks at me.

“Erm… the Peso?” I stammer in reply.

Sadly, the inaccuracy of my wild guess proved to be fatal – because just a few seconds later, I found my career as a TV game show contestant over before it had even really begun. And ever since, my mind has forever been haunted by the words “Rich, you are the weakest link - goodbye”!

Still, I can’t hold that against the Dong – which  would’ve been the correct answer! Indeed, the Dong has actually been a lot of fun since I got to Vietnam. For starters, the current exchange rate gives you approximately 29,000 Dong to the pound – so you only actually need about £33 here to be a millionaire!

With banknotes coming in denominations as small as 500 Dong though, it can does get pretty ridiculous. Just getting change after you’ve paid for a drink with a 100,000 Dong note can land you with a wad of notes so thick that you feel like you’re a pimp or a druglord or something! In shops and bars, you often end up with staff raiding their own purses in order to be able to provide you with the correct change - and the Dong is so cumbersome that the Vietnamese have actually adopted the US dollar as an unofficial second currency. It can all get a bit confusing!

Ultimately though, money goes quite a long way here, whether it’s Dong or dollars that you’re spending… as everything is dirt cheap. For instance, you can eat out here and have a really nice meal, with drinks included, for equivalent of about two quid.

What’s more, Kate and me went shopping the other day… and we both ended up buying hand-made 100% silk traditional Vietnamese-style dressing gowns, for equivalent of less than a tenner each!

And the shops here are great! With Hanoi being so cramped, the Vietnamese shopkeepers have become incredibly good at maximisierng the limited space they have. You get shops here that are no bigger than the average broom cupboard, and yet which sell pretty much everything under the sun!

If I’m not careful I’m going to end up buying loads of knick-knacks here. There’s loads of shops that sell really cool prints of the propaganda posters that were produced by the Vietnamese Government during to Vietnam war, which I’ve kind of got my eye on

The fact that everything’s cheap as chips though is by no means the only thing that Hanoi has got going for it. On so many different levels, it’s an absolutely fascinating place.

So what have I been doing while I’ve been here? 

Well during the daytime, Kate – my friend who I’m staying with - has been at work. As such, I’ve spent a lot of time exploring the city on my own. And it’s such an enchanting place that just wandering aimlessly is more than enough to keep you entertained all day.

The place is an absolute assault on the senses - snowstorm of sights, sounds and smells. The streets are just a constant blur of movement, mainly motorbikes flying here, there and everywhere.

Just crossing the road here is a mini event. There are actually some pedestrian crossings in central Hanoi - however, most motorists pay them very little attention. As such, you’re left with little choice but to do what the locals do – yes, you simply walk slowly out into the road in front of the oncoming traffic… and then watch as the bikes just casually swerve around you!

I must say, I was papping my kecks the first time I did this – however, it’s now starting to feel kinda normal!

The Vietnamese people, meanwhile, are absolutely fascinating. They’re generally really friendly… and by and large, their lives seem to be very focused on being out on the streets. From the crack of dawn to late at night, the place is swarming with people doing all sorts of jobs - such as fixing motorbikes, picking litter, selling food from makeshift stalls, cutting hair, shining shoes, and carrying baskets of groceries – sometimes on their heads.

You also get loads of ‘taxi drivers’ hustling for business – though here, the taxis are actually motorbikes!

The place just buzzes with a really positive energy. With being an obvious Westerner and Vietnam being a relatively poor country, I’d expected to be hounded here by beggars. It’s not like that at all though – as the people here take great pride in actually working for their living. You even get really old ladies carrying huge baskets of fruit around - though sadly, these old dears almost certainly slog their guts out every day because they HAVE to, rather than through choice..

Still, everyone here seems to go about their business with smiles on their faces – even the people doing what you’d imagine are the less enviable jobs. In a nutshell, the Vietnamese are just a really industrious bunch of people, and it can only be admired. Their spirit certainly helps you to understand how Vietnam managed to withstand such heavy American bombing in the 1960s.

Yet coupled with the diligence is a real laid-back streak. Of the people who aren’t working for whatever reason, a lot of them seem to just sit out on the street watching the world go by. It’s even quite common to see people sat sound asleep – which may or may not be something to do with the huge bongs you often see people sitting smoking!

Other non-workers can often be seen playing a game that I’m pretty sure is Mah Jong. I also saw one group of young guys playing a strange variant of badminton – basically, there were about five of them stood in a circle... and they were kicking a shuttlecock to each other in a keepy-uppy style! I was quite fascinated by this – and when one member of the group clocked that I was watching them, they invited me to join in!

You also often see people making little fires on the pavement. This is apparently part of a Buddhist ritual - as the religious and spiritual beliefs of most Vietnamese people is based around Buddhism, and lighting the fires is meant to bring good luck.

One of many good things about staying with Kate here in Hanoi is the fact that her house is a fair distance away from the main ‘touristy’ area of the city. It’s pretty cool, as wandering around the immediate neighbourhood, you often feel like you’re the only Westerner in the vicinity. There have certainly been times when my presence has generated interest among the locals – particularly the kids, who often run up to me just to stare at me and say Hello! They’re all ridiculously cute – I can definitely see why Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are looking to adopt a Vietnamese baby!

So that’s Hanoi by day – by night meanwhile, I’ve been having a lot of fun hanging around with Kate and buzzing round the city with her on her motorbike. I don’t think this could ever stop being the most exciting thing in the world. It’s such a headrush! Most of the  time, we’re not going any faster than 30mph – however, with the wind rushing past your face, it feels much faster.

Given how cheap it is here, we’ve also been doing a lot of eating out and drinking – including a very surreal session for St Patrick’s Day in Hanoi’s only Irish pub! The food here is also brilliant – my only criticism would be the fact that the waiting staff at all the eateries, presumably through being wrapped up in the furious pace of life here, only tend to give you about 30 seconds to decide what you want and order!

Due  to my veggie tendencies, I’ve forgone a lot of the traditional Vietnamese fare, with local delicacies including tortoise meat and roasted sparrow! However, the salads here are incredible. It’s all healthy stuff – you can certainly see why you don’t get any fat Vietnamese people! Oh, and avocado smoothies are officially the greatest drink in the world – I’ve been averaging about three a day!

As for alcoholic beverages meanwhile – well, there are loads of ‘Bia Hoi’ bars here where you sit on the pavement on plastic chairs and drink beer for equivalent of about 8p a glass! The rice wine is also lethal!

Generally, Kate and me have been drinking quite a lot! I think we’re a bad combination really – as we’re both the sort of people who never really know when to call it a night! Still, it’s been a lot of fun – and hey, why not drink and be merry and live for the moment?

After all, life – like game-show careers – can be cruelly snatched away in a matter of seconds..!

  Those of you who are among the more avid readers of my witterings on this site may want to re-read my last update – because due to my general fuckwittedness when it comes to all things computer-related, the version that’s been there for all to see over the last few days was actually only a half-finished draft!  

Now though, you have the ‘finished article’ – complete with a glut of previously unincluded dramas, ranging from motorbike accidents to international fruit-smuggling operations!

Indeed, my time in Hanoi has been nothing if not eventful. I think it says a lot about a place when, within 24 hours of arrival, you not only fall off a motorbike, but also bag the coveted job of being Vietnam’s answer to Russell Grant!

Yes, my friend Kate who I’m staying with here is working out here as a journalist for a Vietnamese lifestyle magazine. She’s currently got quite a heavy workload – and so with journalism being something that I’m pretty well-versed in, I duly asked if she needed a hand with anything.

“Well actually,” said Kate, “you can write the Chinese horoscopes if you want!”

Now it’s almost certainly fair to say that my suitability for this task is probably tenuous to say the least! Nevertheless, a big part of  being a journo is about simply being a bare-faced blagger – and after half an hour’s searching on the web, I managed to find enough background on each of the 12 Chinese animals to write 80-odd words of guff about each!

Needless to say, I couldn’t resist having a bit of fun with it! In my guff for those born in the year of one particular animal, I made a subtle reference to ‘Rockney’ legends Chas & Dave… in honour of their seminal hit single ‘Rabbit’!

For those born in the year of the horse meanwhile, I managed to slip in the phrase ‘hung like a horse’; while any Nottingham Forest fans reading this will recognise a bit of a coded message in my forecast for those born in the year of the sheep!

Anyway, without further a do – below are my forecasts in full!

Apologies if I’ve predicted any abject woe for any of you – though I really wouldn’t take my ‘powers’ as a star-gazer all that seriously really..!

Rat

As a rat, you’ve always been pretty smart – and it’s just as well, because you have to negotiate a tricky chicane of unlucky stars. What’s more, this year’s ruling element of fire and your fixed element of water will continue to be a potentially disastrous combination. It’s very much a time of keeping a low profile and avoiding any potential pitfalls.

Ox

It’s all about your strength when you’re an ox – and it’s a quality you’ll need to bring to the very fore due to a constellation riddled with unlucky stars. Weather the storm though with grace and dignity and there’s a good chance that you’ll be rewarded with surprise news about a health matter that’s been worrying you for some time.

Tiger

You tigers have always flourished in the Year of the Pig – and there will certainly be no deviation from that pattern in the coming weeks. Your relationships will blossom, your health will be robust, and it’s likely that you’ll get an unexpected increase in pay at work. It’s definitely a good time to take a few risks. After all, when things are going this well, what’s the worst that can happen?

Rabbit

If you’re a rabbit, this will feel like a period of your life where you’re never satisfied. There just isn’t any pleasing you. But don’t ‘rabbit on’ and complain about this – because if you bide your time and be patient, everything will eventually work out just as you want it to… particularly with relationships and money. You still need to tread carefully though, as there is one unlucky star that could potentially affect your health.

Dragon  

With the very stuff that you breathe being this year’s ruling element, you dragons were always guaranteed a good year. And the weeks ahead could produce a fire in your heart – because if you’re prepared to make the effort to come out of your cave, you’re almost certain to reap the rewards in your love life. Be careful though, as this could distract you from paying due attention to other important areas of your life.

Snake

It’s a good job that your snakes are good at laying low, as right now a barrage of unlucky stars suggest that even getting out of bed could lead to disaster for you. Don’t see this as a bad thing however – because keeping your head down for a while will give you time to reflect, and there’s a good chance that you’ll work out where you’ve been going wrong of late in your work and relationships.

Horse

As a horse, you constantly crave excitement - and the good news is that there will be plenty in the coming weeks. Be careful though, as there can be a very fine line with excitement between joy and disaster – and if you grab too much rope, you may well end up hanging yourself. And when it comes to a hanging, nobody’s hung quite like a horse…

Sheep

If we were to talk about star-gazing in terms of it being a dinner party, then the sheep would be the guest of honour during any month of the year. But while this continues to be a great year for you, don’t fall into the trap of thinking you’re invincible. Try and show a bit of humility – because there are some stars in a distant constellation that suggest your current business success may be short-lived, and that your rivals are waiting in the wings to take advantage if the event of this happening.

Monkey

It may be what you monkeys do best… but unfortunately, this is not a good time for monkeying around. A whole host of unlucky stars mean that you face a smorgasbord of possible pitfalls – and to avoid these, you have to make sure you’re concentrating at all times. That said, some of the pitfalls are ones that will turn out to be a blessing in the long run.

Rooster

Being a rooster, you’re an emotional character – and generally, that’s no bad thing. But as we go further into the New Year, you will find increasingly that there’s little tolerance of your tantrums and outbursts during the Year of the Pig. Your health and work life are likely to suffer if you don’t keep your cool. On a more positive note however, there’s a lucky star that suggests you may be set for a fruitful period with relationships.

Dog  

You dogs are invariably so busy protecting others that you often despair of ever having time for yourself. But relax! A constellation full of lucky stars means you can drop your guard a little in the coming weeks and look after number one. It’s also a time where there’s a very strong likelihood of somebody important waltzing unexpectedly into your life.

 Pig

Okay pigs, we know it’s all about you this year. But that’s no reason to be complacent – for although the pig can always be relied upon to bring luck to other signs, you often have the exact opposite affect on yourself. It’s up to you really. Stick your neck out and go the extra mile in all the important areas of your life, and you’ll be happily rolling around in the mud. But rest on your laurels and your relationships and work life will flounder.